Are your Underdeveloped EF Skills Hurting Your Marriage - 114
Jan 31, 2023Whether you are dating, are in a committed relationship, living together or married, your well-developed Executive Function Skills make a difference in many aspects of your relational life. And, even though I focus on helping you develop your Executive Function Skills for yourself, that does not mean that their development isn’t essential for a healthier and happier marriage. Let me explain.
When we enter a relationship, we bring whoever we are and whatever is part of us with us. If there is depression or anxiety or ADHD or an addiction or trauma or other issues, they come with us. We are each an entity unto ourselves and a third entity is created when we come together, which is the relationship or marriage. In order to maximize the opportunity for the best of ourselves to be what creates the relationship, we need well-developed Executive Function Skills...
Full Episode Transcript
Are your Underdeveloped EF Skills Hurting Your Marriage - 114
Hi Aspiring Achievers,
Whether you are dating, are in a committed relationship, living together or married, your well-developed Executive Function Skills make a difference in many aspects of your relational life. And, even though I focus on helping you develop your Executive Function Skills for yourself, that does not mean that their development isn’t essential for a healthier and happier marriage. Let me explain.
When we enter a relationship, we bring whoever we are and whatever is part of us with us. If there is depression or anxiety or ADHD or an addiction or trauma or other issues, they come with us. We are each an entity unto ourselves and a third entity is created when we come together, which is the relationship or marriage. In order to maximize the opportunity for the best of ourselves to be what creates the relationship, we need well-developed Executive Function Skills.
Let’s explore a typical relationship. Each person has limiting beliefs about themselves that they have been indoctrinated with and come to believe. These aren’t facts and yet may be treated as if they are facts. A statement like, “This is just how I am” or “I don’t feel comfortable dancing or doing many of the things you enjoy” are not uncommon. These statements could also be part of an outdated Identity or sense of self and becoming even more limiting. These “beliefs” could be based on always knowing themselves to be as they are and hence it’s a fact of life. Same is true for their identity.
My question to them would be, “is everyone with your background and life history like you” or “does everyone feel uncomfortable dancing or doing things that their partner enjoys” and the answers will be no. It’s no because we are all the meaning makers in our lives, and what you believe is scary or uncomfortable may not be scary or uncomfortable to your partner. And just because it was uncomfortable or not enjoyable at some time in the past doesn’t mean that it will be that way the next time. There could have been specific aspects of the past experiences that contributed to it feeling uncomfortable and if you are aware of what those were, and you change this next experience so those aspects don’t exist, the experience could very well be quite enjoyable for both you and your partner.
How many of you can relate to the damage that limiting beliefs and outdated identities can cause or have caused to your marriage?
Next, let’s look at the importance of 3 Executive Function pre-skills and how their underdevelopment can and does add a lot of stress to an otherwise loving relationship. What happens when poorly managing yourself in time and with time has your partner feeling that you are disrespecting them by being late all the time? Or, because you put so many things off, you get overwhelmed and leave your partner feeling that they are married to a child who can’t do the simplest of things when asked. Or, the sheer thought of having to make the number of decisions you are faced with daily, and that others are counting on you to make good decisions. Not being able to decide is enough to freeze you in your tracks. Who teaches us these things or helps us to develop the EF pre-skills that are a necessary part of adult lives? Who teaches us about buffers in our schedules or transition time or even how to figure out how long things will take? I don’t know about you, but I most certainly didn’t get taught these EF pre-skills and so the absence of them caused problems financially, emotionally, mentally and contributed to rumination and overwhelming thoughts and feelings.
I know how all of these poorly developed pre-skills impacted my life years ago, and would still do so if I hadn’t developed my EF pre-skills. I love creating games to understand and develop these skills for myself as well as for my students. Play is one of the best strategies for learning and developing whatever skills we want to integrate into our lives. Developing empowering beliefs and fun and empowering identities are part of our first month together in the AIA-FS program and what a difference they make, as do the other skills.
Let’s imagine, for a moment, what your life is like without a clear and accurate perspective. Everything in your life is filtered through your distorted perspective and impacts every thought, feeling and action you have or take.
And if you aren’t able to Inhibit your thoughts, feelings or actions and everything is on auto-pilot, your life is being run by the most primitive part of your brain, which is reactive, and you aren’t able to take advantage of your pre-frontal cortex, which is the newest part of your brain and uses many of the EF skills once it thinks clearly so it can respond instead of react.
If you’re a rapid shifter because your reactive brain is running your life instead of an appropriate shifter, because your life is being guided by your EF skills, you aren’t leaving a trail of unfinished things in your wake, kind of like a kid who doesn’t clean up after themselves.
And what is the meaning that your spouse or partner puts to your trail of unfinished tasks? Most likely that you are a massive procrastinator, rather than you aren’t finishing things because you are missing information to do so, and are starting new things in the hopes that you will start something that you can actually finish because you know how to do so.
There’s a lot of talk about Emotional Control and Emotional Regulation in the press. Are you finding it easy to tame your emotions and bring them under your control? Probably not. When you have a conversation with your spouse or partner, are you quick to flare or get triggered by something they say to you? Do you wish you could regulate or control yourself so this doesn’t happen? Well, you can. It’s not about controlling your emotions though; it goes deeper than that. You need to be in charge of what is generating those emotions, not the emotions themselves. It’s connected to your thinking, and you can develop Emotional Control so you can live your life free of triggers and emotional traps.
Self-monitoring is a wonderful relationship skill that can help you to see more than other people, and not think that they are the cause of the challenges you experience. From the perceptual perspective of self, we can only see others; not ourselves. So, how can we expect ourselves to see what we are doing and how we need to improve if we can’t see what we are doing? That’s no longer a problem when you develop your ability to see yourself clearly.
The underdevelopment of your Executive Function Skills impacts more than just you, as I trust you are starting to understand even more deeply now.
If you’ve never had your Executive Function Skills assessed, this leads me to ask if you’ve gotten your free PDF, “13 Signs Weak Executive Functioning Is Holding You Back.” If not, you can grab your copy on my website; link in the show notes. And just because you learn about the strength or weakness of your Executive Function skills doesn’t mean you have to do anything further; awareness can be enough for now. Or, IF you decide you want to do something about your underdeveloped Executive Function skills, get yourself on the Information List about the AIA-FS program. We have already started sending out emails inviting you to book a free strategy call with one of my Team members, all prior AIA-FS students, to learn more about the program, answer your questions, and determine if it is a good fit for you given your current needs. So, be sure to get on that Information List if helping yourself is of interest to you.
I love creating safe spaces, free of judgment, for groups of people to learn and grow together. I keep these spaces separate from social media sites so we have the privacy to do the deeper work of transformation.
You are a precious child of the universe; and are called a “human being” not a “human doing” for good reason. You don’t have to earn your value; you were born with it. Your value comes from “who” you are “being”; not what you are doing, which means that you can wake up every day with your value 100% and that’s pretty awesome. It’s a great win. And, if you need a space to feel the importance of this fact, consider working with me in some capacity, if it’s your time.
Speaking of wins, what’s it going to be for you today? You have been taking one small step with improving your communication; that’s great! You organized one section of your closet; that awesome! You are practicing forgiving yourself and offering yourself some grace every day; that’s fantastic! Each one of these WINS deserves your whole-hearted celebrating! YES!!! WOW!!! AWESOME!!! I know you all have daily wins, and I am hopeful that you are celebrating all the small ones every day, when the big ones are happening less frequently.
How much time do we have? Not much. So, let’s get to it.
Let’s continue with more about underdeveloped Executive Function skills and how they can be harming your marriage or other close relationships.
Initiating is a part of our everyday life and if it was as easy as “just do it” like the Nike commercial tells us, we would. Did anyone teach you about the prep work that you need to do before you can start a task or project? If you or your spouse just expects that you will start without preparation to start, life doesn’t work that way.
If you are struggling to integrate all the information coming at you every day plus have space in your mind left over to think about things you want to think about and integrate into your life, then you want to make sure your Working Memory is working for you instead of against you. If you don’t, you could be signing up for a lifetime of overwhelm. I’ve noticed that many of my students have a very underdeveloped Working Memory, and further research has shown me that it can often be tied to traumatic events in our growing up years. Not just the more severe traumatic experiences people have, but the sudden, unexpected and isolating experiences that so many of us experience that seems to derail the development of our Working Memory. Whether it’s the shame, guilt or traumatic experience itself that derails our development, I am seeing more and more assessment results of underdeveloped Working Memory, and the long-term impact of not being able to integrate what we learn, or work with it to get better at what we do and who we are; it’s not a future I wish on anyone.
And what about your lived values and those you aspire to live but don’t? Are they similar to those of your spouse or partner? Do you end up in conflict because your values aren’t in alignment?
One of the groups of Executive Function Skills that we need well-developed is our ability to prioritize, plan, and organize our thoughts. Not being able to perform effectively in these areas definitely impacts our relationships and marriages. There is so much that happens weekly if not daily with regard to these skills, that not being able to hold up your part in these relationship-related activities will impact you badly.
Another very important skill that will keep your marriage in good shape is your ability to monitor your tasks effectively and course-correct on things that are not going well so that those tasks don’t crash and burn. This is a very important skill in the workplace, as well as in the home. Not only do you need to know what you need to monitor but what to do when things are not going right for the task, and what those indicators are, so you know it’s time to take action; right action. No point in blaming each other for things that aren’t going well; better to figure out what is causing the derailing, and what needs to be done, and when to get things back on track for your marriage.
Organizing your thoughts is different than organizing your stuff. A lot of people have issues with clutter; both mental and physical. It could be just one person in the marriage or it could be both of you. Instead of arguing about the disorganization in either situation, better to discuss it and determine where the challenges are coming from so the essential skills can be developed and put an end to the dysregulation in the marriage.
And, if you haven’t ever been taught or learned how to maintain anything, then this becomes a critically important skill because marriages need maintenance. And if they aren’t maintained on a regular basis, they’re going to weaken or fall apart. So, paying attention to all the things you’ve been doing in the beginning to create a wonderful relationship or marriage but not maintaining it, and expecting it to just carry on without maintenance, is a recipe for failure.
There are so many factors that go into the creation and maintenance of a happy and healthy marriage. Having ADHD or underdeveloped EF skills, in and of themselves doesn’t doom a marriage, but the denial of what these conditions bring to the marriage when they are not attended to can seriously damage a marriage. To be in denial of this fact and not take responsibility for the dysfunction that has been brought into the relationship is not going to keep a marriage strong and healthy. It could be only one of the two adults are in denial or it could be that you both are in denial. When neither of you is willing to own or take responsibility for your contribution to the dysfunction, and you blame your partner or spouse instead, this won’t repair the damage. Living in denial blocks one or both people from making personal progress, and the relationship doesn’t improve; in fact, it may change for the worse.
If you want to utilize foresight, and get ahead of a possible disastrous outcome, then I highly recommend you develop your EF skills so that you can navigate your marriage for the highest good of both of you, and eliminate the possible sabotage from weak skills.
Another aspect of communication in marriage is how each of you learns or takes in information. Some people are very literal and take information at face value. Others are more inferential and add meaning to something said or read that isn’t literally there but feels like it is to them. This can present huge challenges in communication between partners and lead to a lot of misunderstandings unless this element is understood and factored in when listening and speaking to one another.
I have included everything I’ve discussed in this episode in the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills program because if one or both people don’t have the skills I am talking about, what kind of disaster is their marriage going to become? And is it anybody’s fault? No. There’s no one to blame here. What would be the point in blaming or pointing fingers; that’s ridiculous. However, as I said in my very first podcast episode, it’s not your fault and yet you are 100% responsible. If you want to have a marriage and a loving relationship that is not dysfunctional and endures time and the ups and downs of life, then you’re going to want the Executive Function Skills to be able to navigate with.
Listening to the feedback from some of my students about how the skills are impacting their relationships, they share that they are able to have better conversations, and they’re able to discuss and make good decisions together. They’re able to do things better, even if only one person came into the program in the marriage. It only takes one person in a system to change the system, and marriage is a system. What I hope you are getting from this episode is how critically important and interwoven into day-to-day life EF skills are.
I wanted to add a few additional thoughts about The Kaizen Way, which I talked about in episode 113. Here’s some relevant lifework for you to reflect on and engage with; remembering that you are able to take one small step every day with consistency – and that over time, those small steps will transform your life at a pace that is just right for you. To keep your fight/flight response turned off, keep it simple and small. Repetition is essential so keep things doable.
§ Ask yourself Small Questions such as: o “What is one small change I can make today?” o “Will I make a small change daily to have a bigger change overall?”
§ Think Small Thoughts such as: o “I am enough for today” o “I can take care of myself today”
§ Take Small Actions such as: o Get up from your desk every hour or two to move your body a little o Stretch your body while in bed for 5 minutes before getting up
§ Solve Small Problems such as: o How to make it easier to drink enough water every day o How to consistently take out the trash before it smells
§ Bestow Small Rewards to support internal motivation such as: o Buy yourself some flowers to brighten your day o Set a nice place at your table for you to eat your meals
§ Identify Small Moments such as: o Be fully present when you are speaking and acknowledge yourself o Be aware when you reframe a meaning for something healthier
All of these small steps may seem like a lot to add to your already full life yet the dividends paid are so worth it. Small consistent steps make change possible and resistance obsolete. Are you willing to take small steps every day for the changes you want to see in yourself and your life? I hope so because the decision you make will change the course of your life.
If you believed with absolute certainty that you could develop the EF skills you are missing so you could achieve your goals, would you take action on creating that life for yourself? Moving from Point A to Point B isn’t so difficult when you have a structured path to follow, and the support to help you overcome the obstacles or resistance you might encounter. You will find that support and structured path in the AIA-FS program. Things can be figured out when you don’t run, and you ask for help.
If you want an intentional life, you need to be intentional about what you bring into your life. Be 100% responsible for the life you create for yourself. Even if you have challenges in your life, there are solutions, and you can increase the quality of your life tremendously, especially if you develop your EF skills.
If you resonate with what I share and my approach, and would like to benefit from more than just my podcast show, I have created options for you. There is the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills program, which is a high-touch, comprehensive program for the development of your EF pre-skills and EF core skills that will change your life. Its 7-months of working with me, one-to-one, in a group format, that will bring you more than I ever could outside of this structure. Being together in this group energy and unpacking everything that I recommend you examine and possibly develop, to have the life you say you want is powerful transformation. What got us to the places we are at now, won’t get us further. To move beyond today’s space, we need to be different, so we can do different, and have different than we have. This is a comprehensive experience for those committed to deeply transforming their life. It’s opening up right now for the February 2023 group, and if you’re on the Information List, you’ll be the first notified when doors open as well as be invited to book a strategy call with one of our previous AIA-FS students, if you have questions about whether or not AIA-FS is right for you. We have students from all over the world enrolling in the program; so, location is not an obstacle. Get on the Information List to learn more about the program, and to be the first notified for special opportunities. AIA-FS is the fastest and most comprehensive path to develop yourself and your skills while eliminating the obstacles that used to stop you or keep you from completing something this important to you.
If high-touch and 7-months isn’t for you at this time, then let’s work together in The Transformation Club for less than $1 a day. If you want help running your life and changing your outcomes that is less interactive than AIA-FS, this is a great option for us to work together. Whether you’re in the US or abroad, when you become a member of TTC, you are gaining more than just information. You are becoming part of a community of like-minded adults who are in TTC to transform their lives. You probably already know you need to develop your Executive Function skills, and the fastest, most time and cost-effective way is with TTC. It’s a gentle path of growth where you aren’t rushed, and can take your time each month to learn a new EF skill, practice what you learn, and share in a safe peer-to-peer community forum. It would have been wonderful if we had been given this opportunity when we were kids, but that didn’t happen for most. We are being given this opportunity now, as adults, and it is our choice to close the gap now or not. Our quality of life depends on what we decide; it hangs in the balance.
I hear from many of you and will tell you all the same thing. If you want what I have, then develop what you need to have your version of it. There is a peacefulness that I experience by being able to show up and be me. Since there was no comprehensive program available when I needed to develop my EF skills, I had to piece it together from various sources instead of going to one place for all of it. How much easier that would have been but then it wouldn’t be my journey. And who knows if I would have been called to develop a truly effective, specialized training and coaching program where you not only get the “what” but you also get the “how” as well. And the “how” is usually unique to each person, which is why there is so much coaching available to guide your transformation in the AIA-FS program.
You can do something about developing those skills, so you can function more productively at work and create more balance in your personal life and marriage. The choice is yours. Are you seriously committed to putting an end to your needless suffering, and developing your missing skills so that the quality of your marriage and individual life is what you want? The years will pass no matter what you decide. It’s really the choice of what you will put into those years rather than them just be passing years filled with frustration and regrets.
There are two important currencies in life – time and money. I’ve learned over the course of my lifetime that time is our most precious currency and asset. It is not something we can ever get back. Each day is spent, and another day comes for most of us, but we can never get the days back that were spent poorly or in struggles. We can never get back those experiences or opportunities that we have missed, because they are gone. They might surface again; or they might not. This is a huge price to pay for indecision or hesitation or a wrong decision. Our other currency, money, comes and goes; we can get more of it. Not true with time.
Please get yourself on the Information List if you’ve been struggling long enough. And, be sure to book a Strategy Call with one of our Team members to get your questions answered about the AIA-FS program, and to determine together if the program is a good fit for you and your current challenges and needs. I say this because I live a life of service, and if it’s a good fit for you, I want to be of service to you, and help you to transform your life into something beyond what you can imagine.
You came to this lifetime with an empowering gift, perhaps many of them, and I would love it if each and every person on this planet were able to express his or her unique, empowering gifts freely, without the threat of being shamed or criticized. Let’s put an end to that stigma once and for all and live as Empowered Achievers.
A Favorite Quote: Claudia Black said, “Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do.”
I would add to this quote that we must integrate and embody the application of that which we come to know from experiencing it and allowing it to change us and become a part of who we become. When you take these steps and improve a little each day, eventually big things occur.
Think about it, if you are willing to invest just 15-minutes a day, every day, and let that be enough, over the course of 1-year, that’s over 91 hours of invested time. What could you achieve with 91 hours of focused and intentional attention? Whenever a student overcommits on their goals they derail and get frustrated that they didn’t keep their word to themselves. However, when they commit to the 15-minutes a day every day or even 30-minutes a day if they have it, their achievements are massive. This works because we are flying under the radar of triggering resistance or fight/flight responses. Small amounts of time or action steps are the recipe for your success.
If you’re loving the podcast, here’s how to get even more support: check out the links in the show notes for transformative opportunities that are waiting for you.
· Executive Function Information List & AIA-FS Program Information: https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/AIA
· Free PDF - 13 Signs Weak Executive Functioning Is Holding You Back: https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/Executive-Function
· The Transformation Club – the affordable community for EF training: https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/ttcprogram
Subscribe & Review in Apple Podcasts If you found value in this episode, please leave me a review on Apple Podcasts! Our mission is to help as many people as possible transform their lives, and when you leave a positive review, more people can find this podcast! Just click here to review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and tell me what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you!
And, if you’re ready to stop your needless suffering, I look forward to welcoming you into the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills program or seeing you inside The Transformation Club. Be sure to check out these opportunities in the show notes. Personal transformation is not exclusive to me; it’s happening for my students every day. There are real solutions to the challenges you are experiencing, and they are available now. Time is our most precious asset, and none of us have time to waste on solutions that don’t work. I would love to help you realize a new freedom, that is…if that’s of interest to you. Thanks for listening… Until the next time… Bye for now…
Developing your Executive Function Skills and shifting your limiting beliefs is the fastest and most effective way to overcome ADHD limitations, find focus, gain confidence, and a newfound freedom in your life!
My mission is to put an end to the worldwide needless suffering of adults with ADHD and those with under-developed Executive Function Skills - whether from ADHD, chronic depression or anxiety, trauma, addictions, or chronic illnesses. And, you don't need a formal diagnosis to know you need help developing these executive function skills in order to greatly reduce your suffering.
If you’re loving the podcast, here’s how to get even more support: check out the links in the show notes for transformative opportunities that are waiting for you.
Episode Resources:
- ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills Program information:
https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/AIAprogram - Free PDF - 13 Signs Weak Executive Functioning Is Holding You Back:
https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/Executive-Function - The Transformation Club – the affordable community for Executive Function training:
https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/ttcprogram - Follow me on Dr B Facebook Page and enjoy relevant posts
- Follow me on Instagram and enjoy relevant resources
If you’re ready to stop your needless suffering, I look forward to welcoming you into the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills program or seeing you inside The Transformation Club. Personal transformation is not exclusive to me; it’s happening for my students every day. There are real solutions to the challenges you are experiencing, and they are available now. Time is our most precious asset, and none of us have time to waste on solutions that don’t work. I would love to help you realize a new freedom, that is…if that’s of interest to you.
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