Exploring Our Assumptions, Expectations, Shame & Guilt - 029
Jul 31, 2017Welcome to the twenty-ninth episode of Harness Your ADHD Power, a podcast show I created to explore the many facets of adult life with ADHD and how you can learn to harness your personal ADHD power to become unstoppable.
In this episode, I’m exploring our assumptions, expectations, shame and guilt as it relates to adult life with ADHD and helping you to move past it to a new found freedom.
The increasing numbers of adults living with ADHD-related impairments are not a trivial matter, and have far-reaching consequences for all of us. Quality of life is less and the erosion of human potential is apparent. So many adults report feelings of hopelessness and frustration. This has to stop and be turned around now.
This is not simply annoying laziness or apparent lack of willpower or being scatterbrained or a bit disorganized, frequently late and excessively forgetful. It is also not the extraordinary gift that endows the person with exceptional talent, creativity and the ability to “think outside the box” if they are “dis-abled” by a strangle hold of incapacitated executive functions. In fact, those who are bright and gifted often suffer greatly because the gifts and talents they possess are unable to manifest due to executive function deficits. This can lead to an essential depression, different from other depressions, because it calls into question the very nature of the meaning of life itself for that adult. These deficits are chronically frustrating, embarrassing, and discouraging in many aspects of daily life. They can destroy self-confidence and severely erode one’s hope of ever being adequate enough to meet reasonable expectations of family, teachers, employers, friends, or oneself.
It is important to note that at present, most medical, mental health, and educational professionals receive little or no instruction during their professional education to help them learn to recognize and treat ADHD in children or adults. So, instead of “assuming” that the professional you seek your help from does have the appropriate training to both recognize, assess and treat ADHD and executive function deficits, you need to “assume” that they do not, and ask about their training to know you are in appropriately trained hands; that is, if that’s important to you.
Some of the goals for this episode are to inform you of this absence of training in most professionals, to clear away some misinformation held by both individuals who suffer directly from ADHD and those who love and care for them – specifically assumptions and expectations, to encourage the cultivation of unending empathy and compassion for all of us as the antidote to shame and guilt, to instill hope where very little may currently exist, as well as provide you with some action steps you can begin to take today.
One of the reasons I created my innovative online program, ADDventures in Achievement, is because I know just how complex this situation is, as well as the many other challenges that those of you with focus, follow through and self-management issues face, and I wanted to create a safe and productive space where we could work together, both as a community group as well as 1:1, to ensure that each and every one of you gets what you need to sort out your own unique set of circumstances as well as the solutions to them.
Developing your Executive Function Skills and shifting your limiting beliefs is the fastest and most effective way to overcome ADHD limitations, find focus, gain confidence, and newfound freedom in your life!
My mission is to put an end to the worldwide needless suffering of adults with ADHD and those with under-developed Executive Function Skills - whether from ADHD, chronic depression or anxiety, trauma, addictions, or chronic illnesses. And, you don't need a formal diagnosis to know you need help developing these executive function skills in order to greatly reduce your suffering.
Full Episode Transcript
HYAP Podcast Episode #029
Exploring Our Assumptions, Expectations, Shame & Guilt - 029
Monday, July 31, 2017
Today is Episode 29 with Dr B
Hey ADDers! So glad you could join me for today’s podcast episode. Responsive to my own intuition as well as the requests of my listeners, I’m going to focus on four inter-related topics, as they relate to adult life with ADHD. I believe this cluster needs attention based on my own journey of trying to live small and invisible for most of my life, and hiding parts of me I felt bad about. I trust I’m not the only one who’s lived this way and that you can relate to some part of my journey. Time to not hide anymore; rather to step into the fullness of “being” that which we truly are, with a better understanding, interpretation and tools to maximize our pure potential.
I’m going to explore this cluster with some introductory information, and then move into my traditional format with stories, actions steps and a favorite quote, as always. I’ve made a small modification to the format today; the action steps will follow directly after each story, rather than all at the end. It was suggested that it would be easier to integrate the information shared in the stories and the action steps for each if the action steps followed directly after each story, rather than waiting until the end and having to remember the story you relate to. I appreciate all your suggestions and input so I can consider everything and provide you with the best of me in ways that are best for you. And remember, if you are a visual learner, each episode transcript or “show notes” is available on my website.
The fact that many of you experience tremendous shame and/or guilt as a by-product of your life with ADHD is heartbreaking. And the assumptions and expectations that you hold for yourself in addition to those held by your family of origin, marital or relationship families, friends, employers, educators and society at large are in many cases damaging and hurtful. The increasing numbers of adults living with ADHD-related impairments are not a trivial matter, and have far-reaching consequences for all of us. Quality of life is less and the erosion of human potential is apparent. So many adults report feelings of hopelessness and frustration. This has to stop and be turned around now.
This is not simply annoying laziness or apparent lack of willpower or being scatterbrained or a bit disorganized, frequently late and excessively forgetful. It is also not the extraordinary gift that endows the person with exceptional talent, creativity and the ability to “think outside the box” if they are “dis-abled” by a strangle hold of incapacitated executive functions. In fact, those who are bright and gifted often suffer greatly because the gifts and talents they possess are unable to manifest due to executive function deficits. This can lead to an essential depression, different from other depressions, because it calls into question the very nature of the meaning of life itself for that adult. These deficits are chronically frustrating, embarrassing, and discouraging in many aspects of daily life. They can destroy self-confidence and severely erode one’s hope of ever being adequate enough to meet reasonable expectations of family, teachers, employers, friends, or oneself.
It is important to note that at present, most medical, mental health, and educational professionals receive little or no instruction during their professional education to help them learn to recognize and treat ADHD in children or adults. So, instead of “assuming” that the professional you seek your help from does have the appropriate training to both recognize, assess and treat ADHD and executive function deficits, you need to “assume” that they do not, and ask about their training to know you are in appropriately trained hands; that is, if that’s important to you.
Some of the goals for this episode are to inform you of this absence of training in most professionals, to clear away some misinformation held by both individuals who suffer directly from ADHD and those who love and care for them – specifically assumptions and expectations, to encourage the cultivation of unending empathy and compassion for all of us as the antidote to shame and guilt, to instill hope where very little may currently exist, as well as provide you with some action steps you can begin to take today.
Let’s think about our species for a moment, the “human being.” We are conceived, we typically grow inside the womb of the female human being for roughly 9 months and are then birthed into the world. The doctors or others present at our birth, would typically check us over and make sure that everything “appears normal;” that there are no “birth defects” detected upon examination. For the most part we “assume” that this new “human being” is whole and complete in their structure, and will unfold or develop according to the neurodevelopmental plan.
Executive function and self-regulation skill sets are necessary prerequisites for successful outcomes in learning and behavior. We aren’t born with these skills, however we are born with the potential to develop them. Their development begins in childhood, can be disrupted in childhood and their absence or impaired expression can dramatically impact our adult life. So, if you are one of the millions of adults who are impacted by ADHD symptoms and executive function deficits, these skill sets can be learned later in life and need to be if a successfully lived life is the goal.
We “assume” that the ability to do those things that “human beings” are capable of doing, such as retain and work with information in our brains, focus our attention, filter distractions and switch mental gears, will “come online” so to speak for each and every one of us; that everyone will be fully developed and functional and we judge according to that “assumption.” We not only “assume” they will; we have an “expectation” that these things will happen. We “expect” that the people we interact with during the course of our lifetime have followed the unfolding of the neurodevelopmental plan and “matured” as is developmentally intended. But how do we know for sure? We don’t. And instead of keeping in mind when something doesn’t go as “planned” or “expected” with another person that perhaps that person hasn’t “matured” as was intended, we get upset or judgmental or deem that person wrong or defective, rather than see them through the developmental lens as well as the spiritual lens of being the “human being” I talk about in all my episodes; one whose value is a given from birth and that nothing can lessen that value; certainly not what the human being can or can not do. But that is not the way of the world, for the most part.
This is NOT a moral issue! This is a deficit in skill sets that were not learned or mastered, for whatever reasons, and still can be and need to be. So despite the bad decisions you might have made throughout your lifetime, or your current inability to stay on task or your lack of effective self-regulation of your impulses, these are all connected to executive function deficits and can be learned, practiced and mastered over time. I won’t kid you when I say that it definitely takes time and lots of practice, especially as adults. In part that’s because we have other lifetime habits and ways of thinking that need to be extinguished and transformed into new, more effective habits. And, if you are willing to invest the time, effort and energy, it is doable.
So what are some of the “assumptions” that I am referring to? As I said earlier, our executive function skill sets don’t just magically come “online” and set us up to function optimally as adults. We need to have interactive life experiences growing up that stimulate and support their development. And if not in childhood, we have to gain that same stimulation and support for their development as adults.
In my studies about executive function skills, there are 3 core areas that keep coming up:
· Working memory – whose function it is to allow us to hold and manipulate information in our minds over short periods of time.
· For a child it might be when they are learning how to do long division
· For us as adults it might be when we can
o Remember and dial a phone number
o Remember where we left off in a task when we get interrupted
o Remember what we read a few minutes earlier when we resume our reading and be able to integrate the information with previously read passages
· Inhibitory control – whose function it is to filter thoughts and impulses to resist temptations and distractions; allows us to pause and think before we act
· For a child it might be like the game of 1 marshmallow now or 2 marshmallows if they can wait 15 minutes.
· For us as an adults it might be when we can
o Push aside daydreams about what we would rather be doing, so we can focus on important tasks
o “Bite our tongue” and say something appropriate
o Control our emotions even when we are angry, rushed or frustrated
· Cognitive or mental flexibility – who function it is to help us adjust to changed demands, priorities or perspectives, like apply different rules in different settings and catch mistakes and fix them; ability to shift back and forth as needed and see options that are there
· For a child it might be like in dramatic or structured play, the ability to switch to a different role or apply a rule that is the exception in one situation
· For us as an adults it might be when we can
o Catch mistakes and fix them
o Revise ways of doing things in light of new information
o Consider something from a fresh perspective
o Think outside the box
o Learn exceptions
o Approach a problem in different ways to arrive at the same solution
It’s important to NOT “assume” that you or anyone else has the capacity to do things that “seem simple enough” and age-appropriate. If you or someone else is struggling with a task, don’t “assume” that it’s a moral issue, but rather determine if it’s an executive function skill deficit issue. If you or they don’t yet know how to do something, it doesn’t make sense to punish or blame or get upset; none of those responses are empowering or supportive. Rather, get busy identifying and filling in the existing gaps.
And what about “expectations” that we hold for others or ourselves? Expectations is the belief that something will happen or is going to happen, when in fact, it can’t happen and won’t if the learning, practice and mastery of fundamental skills hasn’t happened first. In order to “expect” something, we should know for certain that whatever supports expectation exists.
So, looking back in time to childhood again, did you experience scaffold learning? Meaning, were there clear and specific established routines, were you provided cues to initiate, and were bigger tasks broken down into smaller chunks to help you use whatever executive function skills you were developing to the best of your ability?
And, were those who provided your care and/or education sensitive and responsive in affirming ways to your efforts, see you as an individual and teach you according to your own unique needs, were there for you to turn to if and when you needed them but gave you the space to take over more and more of the activities on your own, helped you learn to regulate your emotions and resolve feelings of overwhelm or despair more quickly, helped you sustain your attention for longer and longer periods of time by sustained joint attention rather than expecting you to learn to do so alone, provided you with adequate time to practice new skills and not expect you to know how to do them just because you had been told or shown once or even twice, and that your environments were orderly and predictable which also contributes to the development of executive function skills.
Again, we can’t “assume” or “expect” these executive function skills to just materialize. However, when they have been learned, practiced and mastered, they make it possible to have:
· Personal accomplishments due to foresight, decision-making, goal-directed behaviors, critical thinking, adaptability, and being aware of one’s own emotions as well as those of others.
· Good health by making positive life choices of good nutrition, exercise avoiding escape solutions into possible addictions, resisting pressure to take risks, being safety-conscious for ourselves and our children, and building the neurobiological foundation and coping skills required for adaptive responses to stress.
· Economic success by being well organized, capable of multi-tasking when necessary and able to solve complicated problems that require planning and monitoring over time.
What I referred to in episode 027 as “pre-skills” is pretty much what the executive function skill sets are; they are the pre-steps or pre-skills that need to be learned, practiced and mastered in order for us to be able to effectively perform and master the more advanced skills and tasks of adult life. And remember, the “pre-skills” you will need are going to be unique to you, as everyone’s missing different pieces of the puzzle so to speak. I think in part this is also what makes adult ADHD so confusing to those living with it as well as those who live with them. We are all given the same diagnosis and yet manifest the expression of adult ADHD differently. And when we can’t do something we “assume” we should be able to do, for whatever reason, we need to look to the missing skill sets that we didn’t know were missing until we did. It’s not a crime to not know until you do, especially if you never needed to demonstrate the skill until now.
As I’m mentioned in another episode, a lot of the self-help books have “assumed” and “expect” that we have these executive function skills, and base their instruction for organizing, prioritizing, scheduling, planning and such on these assumptions and expectations. And because of that, if we are missing some executive function skills necessary to the successful learning and implementation of the book’s strategies, we cannot succeed. And what’s worse, we blame ourselves for these failures rather than the instruction we received, which was missing information we need.
Anticipating that you, like many other adults with ADHD all over the world want a better life and are ready to do what it’s going to take to create that life is one of the reasons that I have created many different resources for you. Here’s what’s available so far:
· This podcast show, Harness Your ADHD Power, which currently releases two episodes per week, on Mondays and Thursdays.
· The Harness Your ADHD Power Community on Facebook. With listeners in many parts of the world, I created a space were we can all come together to exchange ideas, talk about challenges and get answers as well. Please friend me on Facebook and then come and join our community with other like-minded adults making this journey.
· Live videos on my Facebook page, ADDventures in Achievement, because many of you enjoy watching videos as well as listening to podcasts. So three times per week, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I go live and answer questions in an Ask Dr B format.
· ADDventures in Achievement, my innovative online program. After 30+ years of working 1:1 with adults with ADHD and hearing from many who wanted to work with me that they couldn’t afford to do so for any meaningful period of time, I worked out a solution.
· One of the reasons I created this program, is because I know just how complex this is, as well as the many other challenges that those of you with focus, follow through and self-management issues face, and I wanted to create a safe and productive space where we could work together, both as a community group as well as 1:1, to ensure that each and every one of you gets what you need to sort out your own unique set of circumstances as well as the solutions to them.
· Because the program includes lots of 1:1 work, I limit enrollment to ensure the success of all current students. New enrollment opens again on August 15th; so get yourself on the Waitlist if you want to receive additional information.
No matter how you choose to have me serve your needs, whether via videos, podcasts, my innovative program, or 1:1 work, it is an honor to accompany you on your journey and make a difference in the quality of your life.
Transitioning to shame and guilt. These terms are often used interchangeable yet they are not the same. Simply put, shame is a focus on self; guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.” If you do something hurtful to someone or yourself, guilt says, “I am sorry. I made a mistake.” Shame says, “I am sorry. I am a mistake.” Shame is toxic and drives depression, anxiety, aggression, addictions, and suicide. Guilt allows us to see something we have done or failed to do and make corrections because it’s behavior and not self, identity or essence. Per Brene Brown, shame drives two big tapes: “never good enough” and “who do you think you are”.
Shame says I am wrong, doesn’t lead to positive change, leads to disconnection from others, is internalized and deeply connected to our sense of who we are, is never healthy or useful, causes pain for an individual, and underlies a host of psycho-social problems.
Guilt says I did something wrong, leads to positive change, leads to healing, isn’t internalized but passing, can be healthy and useful, is usually associated with accountability, and is not about psycho-social issues; just behaviors and actions done or not.
Making a mistake doesn’t make you a failure; you may have failed to achieve an outcome (which is behavioral) but you as the person (identity or essence) are not a failure.
Over the course of my 66 years now, I’ve experienced challenges with assumptions, expectations, shame and guilt, and needed to overcome them if I was going to live the life that was anything close to what I hoped for, and I also needed to overcome them if I was going to guide others, perhaps like you, out of your stuckness, into the life you’ve been wanting forever. My phrase for that journey is moving from stuck to unstoppable.
As I’ve said so many times before, I’m a work in progress, just like you. I still have things to figure out so I can keep moving forward; it’s just part of the adventure of life. The difference now is that I don’t blame myself or circumstances; I get solutions-oriented in my thinking and start figuring out HOW I am going to get something done; not give in to the thoughts that there’s no way that it can happen. That’s just my mind telling me a lie.
Remember, I wasn’t born with the executive function skillsets and neither were you. I had to study my life and learn which ones I was missing as well as create ways for me to learn them as an adult. I had to put systems and structures and guidelines in place to move myself from stuck to unstoppable, and so can you, as long as you are “teachable”, and willing to be a student of your own life.
We’re getting closer to today’s 3 important points, with relevant stories, an action step, and a favorite quote of mine. Let’s keep going…
I want you to remember that you are NOT what you do or don’t do; you are more than that. WE are NOT defective or less than as people – as human beings; we’re just wired differently and the difference is actually pretty cool once you have a different perspective and the tools you need for your own success. In this case, it’s whatever YOU discover are the missing pre-skills or executive function skills and then learning them so you can start succeeding and feel good about doing so (otherwise, why bother?)
How much time do we have? Not much. So let’s get to it.
In this episode, I’m exploring our assumptions, expectations, shame and guilt as it relates to adult life with ADHD and helping you to move past it to a new found freedom.
Remember that this is a process, so please don’t let yourself off the hook here with taking action once, not getting the results you hoped for, and stopping there. Seriously!! If you didn’t have the benefit of learning the pre-skills in childhood, you can’t expect yourself to master them overnight. I know I didn’t, so keep going!! You’re learning to do, not just standing up and doing, like you’ve known how all your life. Get real here!!
Today’s 3 important points are:
1. Figuring out what your assumptions are and those closest to you
2. Setting intentional, realistic expectations rather than expecting based on fantasy thinking
3. Purging the shame and guilt to create a fresh start and newfound freedom
Now back to being an adult with ADHD in today’s world.
It’s almost story time but first, YOU need a WIN. You need to remember and acknowledge and celebrate at least one thing that is good about you or has gone right for you today, just one thing. Perhaps you’ve had an “aha moment” listening to this episode; that’s a WIN. Or maybe you shared a “secret” with a close friend; something you’d never shared with anyone before; certainly a WIN. Or maybe you’ve been practicing giving your word to yourself and keeping it consistently with small things; that’s a great WIN. Or perhaps you created a new identity for yourself to play with and see how it feels; that’s definitely a WIN. Whatever you choose is up to you; however, I want you to choose something right now and celebrate it – either a loud or to yourself. I want you to have a WIN and acknowledge that at least one thing has gone right in your day, is right about you, even if you are saddled with years of accumulated shame and guilt and haven’t known how to release it. That stored shame and guilt doesn’t take away from the fact that at least one thing has gone right today or is right with you. You are a precious child of the universe; and are called a “human being” not a “human doing” for good reason. You don’t have to earn your value; you were born with it. You’re value comes from “who” you are; not what you do. Got it? I hope so because you’re going to keep hearing me say it, because it’s so important.
There are a lot of different reasons why you might not have learned the executive function or pre-skills in your childhood years and have been suffering for so much of your life, even if you’ve sought help. I’m going to share three stories with you today as well as talk about your responsibility in this (that’s right - response-ability or your ability to respond) – since you’re not off the hook here. I hope at least one of these stories will resonate with you and be of benefit. So let’s keep going.
Shifting gears to our first story…
· Jake had been down on himself for years. He was in his early 40’s, was doing fair in his career, was struggling in his family life and marriage to show up and provide what his kids and spouse needed from him, and he was extremely disappointed in himself for not doing better by now. He had been to lots of workshops, read books on how to help with ADHD challenges, had therapy, coaching and yet he still wasn’t getting past whatever it was that was holding him back or stopping him from harnessing his full potential.
· Sure he had a rough start in life, but he felt that was behind him given all the personal work he’d done. It just didn’t make sense to him.
· His spouse and kids assumed that he just didn’t care as much as he said he did. They figured that if he did, then he certainly would show it like other fathers and husbands did. How his spouse and kids viewed him hurt Jake deeply because this couldn’t be further from the truth. He hated himself for not being the provider, father and husband he wanted to be, felt he could be, and yet wasn’t.
· Jake wondered if he really wanted the successful life he kept saying he did, because if he did, then certainly he would be able to get it for himself and his family he thought. He had a college education, and his life overall was fairly good, despite the challenges he faced.
· He kept looking for what it could be; what could possibly be holding him back from his potential? The logical place for blame was to make it a moral failing; that his character was defective or flawed in ways that he didn’t yet understand and that must be it.
· That maybe his ADHD was worse than what the doctors had told him and that this was the best he could hope for, which if so, would be an awful place to be.
· Jake wondered if his doctors had missed something in their diagnostics of him or he had missed something in what they told him.
Background facts:
· Jake’s assessment did include executive function skills as well as ADHD symptoms, learning disabilities and indicated many deficits.
· When he was presented with the results of his testing, he was thinking ADHD results and somehow attributed everything to his ADHD rather than to separate co-existing EF deficits plus his ADHD.
· After a careful review of his assessment, it was clear that Jake’s assumptions and expectations for himself were distorted, as were his family’s.
· Jake could adjust his assumptions and expectations with all the facts clearly laid out for him. He could see how it had been impossible for him to do any better than he had until he remediated many of his executive functions. This actually instilled Jake with hope for a better future provided he took the necessary steps now clear to him.
If you relate to Jake’s story, your action step has three parts:
o Focus – on setting aside assumptions and expectations of what you “should” be able to do (based on nothing), and focus on getting the facts about your functioning; both ADHD symptoms and executive function skills (based on science and data-driven).
o Follow Through – on whatever executive function skill deficits are discovered and learn, practice and master those skill sets in adulthood.
o Self-Management – of your feelings about being more compromised and less able than you originally understood. This is not a moral issue; it’s the absence of skills, which can be learned and mastered even in adulthood. Cultivate an abundance of empathy and compassion for yourself and the struggles you’ve made it through. This struggle can also pass.
Transitioning to our next story…
· Zoe, like Jake, had a college education and had received a thorough assessment. She had many executive function deficits in addition to very severe ADHD symptoms. Medication was somewhat helpful for the severe ADHD symptoms, but did nothing for the executive function deficits, since there are no skills in pills.
· In her mid-30’s, Zoe was impatient to get on with her life and make something of it while she was still relatively young and somewhat motivated.
· She had always been a “jumper” and escaped into fantasy thinking as her safety net when life got too real to face.
· Zoe never seemed to get ahead because she was so impatient. She wanted everything to happen “right now” like it could in her fantasies or imagination. All she had to do was think it and there she was. Fantasy thinking and living was her greatest pleasure because of the immediate gratification.
· What she hadn’t factored in until recently was that the many executive function deficits she had plus her severe ADHD symptoms made it nearly impossible for her to see the path to a goal or set out a plan or schedule to achieve a goal; she just didn’t have those abilities (yet) and so her default solution was a fantasy life – not really her life of choice.
· It didn’t help matters when her friends or co-workers told her to “get real” and apply herself so she could have a great life. Didn’t they know that she would if she could? If course not, because they were full of assumptions and expectations about Zoe based on the little they saw on the surface; knowing nothing of the behind the scenes or inner workings of Zoe.
· As for setting realistic expectations for herself, she didn’t even know where to begin because she really didn’t fully understand the implications of her deficits and current limitations. Zoe was lacking the executive functions skills in all three-core areas: working memory, inhibitory control and cognitive or mental flexibility.
· And she certainly didn’t know that it was going to take time, effort and energy for her to acquire the skills she was missing. However, she was her only hope for living a real life instead of just one in fantasy.
Background facts:
· Zoe’s deficits in working memory didn’t allow her to hold and manipulate information in her mind over short periods of time. She wouldn’t remember her goals or where she left off in a task if she got interrupted because “real thinking” was slower for her than “fantasy thinking.” Once she got going she felt compelled to stay with something because if she stopped, she would just have to start all over again the next time.
· Her deficits in Inhibitory control didn’t filter her thoughts or impulses or help her to resist temptations and distractions. There was no pausing to think before she acted. Her impatient nature drove her to go, go, go, and even with medication support, stuff popped into her mind and out her mouth in seconds.
· Zoe’s deficits in cognitive or mental flexibility left her rigid and inflexible to the changing demands or priorities of her life. She couldn’t seem to shift gears and slow down or speed up as needed or catch her mistakes and fix them or see the options right in front of her; it was as if she was blind to so much information that was right there, yet not for her (yet).
· It definitely takes the 3 P’s – patience, persistence and practice to learn and master executive function skills so life ultimately gets easier.
If you relate to Zoe’s story, your action step has three parts:
o Focus – on noticing the difference between your fantasy and reality thinking and what gets you to jump to fantasy; these are clues for missing skills.
o Follow Through – on learning and mastering what you determine are the missing executive function skills so you can learn the more advanced skills of adult life.
o Self-Management – your feelings of being less than or broken because of missing skills and remind yourself that you’re learning now and it’s only a matter of time before life’s better.
Transitioning to our next story…
· After years of living with enormous shame and guilt, Helen’s system gave out and she became physically ill. In those more sensitive, long-standing toxic shame and excessive guilt can literally wear you down.
· It’s as if Helen needed to detox and purge her system of this toxic shame and guilt in order to regain her health. She had lived this way for most of her life and didn’t know anything else. It was like she was living in a prison of these feelings and needed her “sentence to be terminated.”
· After consulting with a specialist, it was decided she would do a gentle, compassionate cleansing of her mind, body and spirit to support the healing of her entire being.
Background Facts:
· Long standing toxicity can make its way to our very core and cover its tracks in clever ways.
· If you’re going to “clean house” so to speak, you may as well get it all.
· This is not a simple process and it is advisable to seek professional guidance for your specific long standing toxicity and what is best for you.
· It might include a modified nutritional plan that supports your body’s healing while your emotions and spirit are healing.
· It might include the addition of a spiritual practice to support your spirit’s healing while your body and emotions are healing.
· It might include the creation of emotional rituals and ceremonies for the purification of the long-standing toxic shame and guilt.
If you relate to Helen’s story, your action step has three parts:
o Focus – on differentiating between toxic shame and guilt; noting that guilt is about your behaviors (the human doing) and shame is about your identity or self (the human being). Be sure that you are focused on clarifying to yourself that whatever you have punished yourself for, it’s your behaviors NOT self here.
o Follow Through – on cultivating empathy and compassion for your SELF and the hurt you’ve inflicted on you. Forgive yourself for not understanding the difference between shame and guilt and hurting you deeply and unintentionally.
o Self-Management – of your feelings that you deserve to be punished for who you are and what you’ve done, not just what you’ve done. This is going to take work and most likely professional support to manage everything in this complex healing transformation. It’s worth finding the right person to support you for this very intimate and important experience.
It takes courage to look at the truth of your life and accept what you find. Acceptance isn’t resignation; it’s starting with what is and moving forward from there.
A Favorite Quote:
Brene Brown said, “Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect. When we don’t have that, we shape-shift and turn into chameleons; we hustle for the worthiness we already possess.” The question I have for you at this point of our journey together is, “If your self-acceptance has been ‘conditional’ up to now, are you ready to upgrade it to ‘unconditional self-acceptance’ and embrace all of you?” I hope so as it’s a step into knowing a new freedom. It’s totally worth it!!
Remember, your needs matter to me. If I am going to help make a real difference in your lives, I need to hear from you and need to know what your challenges are; what you are struggling with. If you want me to know, you have a few options by hopping over to my website:
1. Take the quick little 6-question survey; it should only take you a few minutes to respond. https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/BDGTHT8
2. Ask Dr B your questions and get them answered directly on a podcast show. https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/pages/ask-dr-b
3. Get on the Waitlist for ADDventures in Achievement to learn more about the program and how it might meet your needs. https://www.drbarbaracohen.com
Whether you’re learning from my podcast episodes or live videos or working with me directly, you are in my world and I’m here to serve your needs. So be sure to reach out and get your needs met. It’s up to you to take action here so things can change for you.
I appreciate you showing up to listen today and in the future. New episodes are released on Mondays and Thursdays. As a subscriber, the newest episode will be in your feed by 1 am Pacific time, plus you won’t miss out on any “extra episodes” I create; certainly a good reason to subscribe. Perhaps make a date with yourself to listen to each podcast episode, so you hear your questions answered if you’ve asked any for the Ask Dr B format or just enjoy all the episodes, where I’ll be talking about such compelling topics as self-defeating or destructive behaviors, the purpose of setting realistic goals, and how to improve your communication with others.
So, if you enjoyed today’s episode or any of the other episodes, please share this podcast show with your friends and family, as well as rate the show. If you’d like to do a little more, write a thoughtful review on iTunes so I know I’m meeting your needs. It doesn’t have to be anything lengthy; just a line or two of how the podcast is helping you, if it is. I love hearing from you and learning how the podcast show is benefiting you and those you care about. It means a lot to me to know you life is getting a little bit better every time we get together.
If you want to participate in the survey, ask me a question, get on the Waitlist, or just download your Show Notes you can do all of that on my website, as well as learn about other resources and services, that is…if that’s of interest to you. Thanks for listening… Until the next time… Bye for now…
Episode Resources:
- Put yourself on the information list for the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills Program, so that you receive all the amazing emails we’ve written to both educate you about Executive Function skills as well as the details of the program; there is absolutely no obligation by being on the list. You’ll thank yourself for getting informed.
- Free Video and e-Book - Many Mental Health Providers & ADHD
- 13 EF Skills
- Join the amazing Living Beyond ADHD Facebook Group & hang out with your peeps
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- Follow me on Instagram and enjoy relevant resources
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Let's put an end to the worldwide needless suffering together! We can do this!
