Goal Setting Can Be Detrimental to Your Success - 090
Nov 15, 2021It’s true – goal setting can be detrimental to your success…if you set goals the way most of us have been taught to set them. If you’re intrigued, stay tuned.
Goal setting is typically an external process, where you are targeting something outside of yourself that you want to achieve or change. All of your focus and attention is on achieving your external goal. One example could be, “You want to lose 10 pounds in 10 days.” Your focus is on the scale and what you are eating and your exercise routine; all things outside of you because what you want to achieve is outside of you – right? Nope. It isn’t.
What you want to achieve comes from inside of you and that’s where you need to focus. That’s where your goal setting needs to be focused, otherwise, you won’t be able to achieve or keep the achievement of your external goal. One reason this happens is because your goal isn’t congruent with your identity. Your goal is for your behavior or a tangible thing, and not for your being or identity. Your goal doesn’t consider the characteristics for being, performance and achievement. Simply put – your goal doesn’t consider who you need to be first, to achieve your external goal.
In this episode Dr B talks about:
- How typical goal setting is backwards
- Where your focus needs to be to achieve your goals
- The importance of celebrating your wins
- Like-minded community and monthly live Q & A in the Living Beyond ADHD FB Group
- Getting on the informational Waitlist for the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills program
Developing your Executive Function Skills and shifting your limiting beliefs is the fastest and most effective way to overcome ADHD limitations, find focus, gain confidence, and newfound freedom in your life!
My mission is to put an end to the worldwide needless suffering of adults with ADHD and those with under-developed Executive Function Skills - whether from ADHD, chronic depression or anxiety, trauma, addictions, or chronic illnesses. And, you don't need a formal diagnosis to know you need help developing these executive function skills in order to greatly reduce your suffering.
Full Episode Transcript
Goal Setting Can Be Detrimental to Your Success! Episode #090
It’s true – goal setting can be detrimental to your success…if you set goals the way most of us have been taught to set them. If you’re intrigued, stay tuned.
Goal setting is typically an external process, where you are targeting something outside of yourself that you want to achieve or change. All of your focus and attention is on achieving your external goal. One example could be, “You want to lose 10 pounds in 10 days.” Your focus is on the scale and what you are eating and your exercise routine; all things outside of you because what you want to achieve is outside of you – right? Nope. It isn’t.
What you want to achieve comes from inside of you and that’s where you need to focus. That’s where your goal setting needs to be focused, otherwise, you won’t be able to achieve or keep the achievement of your external goal. One reason this happens is because your goal isn’t congruent with your identity. Your goal is for your behavior or a tangible thing, and not for your being or identity. Your goal doesn’t consider the characteristics for being, performance and achievement. Simply put – your goal doesn’t consider who you need to be first, to achieve your external goal.
Back to the weight example, if you aren’t a person who can follow through and keep your word to yourself, you aren’t going to achieve your goal and keep it. What many of you may have experienced is self-sabotage on your goal. You set the external goal and then you don’t do (behave) what is needed to achieve your goal. This is the incongruency or resistance occurring because you are focused on the wrong thing. You need to turn your attention inward and focus on your inner world of thoughts, beliefs, sense of self, values and more.
The purpose of setting a goal is to give you a direction to move in. Once you get moving in that direction, that part is done.
Next, let’s say we “fast-forward” and you have achieved your goal. Awesome! Who are you now? Who did you learn to be on your way to achieving your goal? Did you pay attention to who you were becoming on the way to your goal? Do you like who you became?
Remember, it’s important to be mindful of who you are becoming on the way to where it is that you are going least you arrive and not like the person you are being.
Every significant goal I’ve set for myself has been more of an inside job than an outside one. To produce and host my podcast show, Living Beyond ADHD, I needed to be a podcaster. It’s true that I needed to learn skills and methodology which is the outside world, however, I needed to BE the person who has a podcast show, and I wasn’t her when I first started on that journey.
To envision, create and refine the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills program, I started messy and good, and then shaped it into great over time. There was a lot to figure out which wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t started and had something to work with. However, it took much longer than I anticipated to launch the program because I needed to BE the person who has an international online program. I needed to BE the person who is training and coaching adults to transform their lives from the inside out by developing their EF skills, releasing their limiting beliefs and upgrading their identity. I wasn’t her when I started on that journey, despite my 30+ years in private practice working with such adults. I needed to BE the person who has a positive impact on the lives of at least a million people. That’s a very different BEING for me than my one-to-one work.
Another problem with goal-setting is being attached to the outcome, and needing it to happen the way you envision it. I’ve learned that I need to let go and allow the outcome to flow as a result of who I am BEING.I used to be a fearful, anxious person when I began both of those journeys. I was filled with self-doubt about my ability to fulfill my vision and goals. BEING that anxious, fearful, doubting person made the journeys unpleasant and stressful. Instead, I adopted the belief that if the way I envisioned my goal didn’t work out, there were many alternative ways to approach my goal and that would just be one way that didn’t work out. No big deal – that is, unless I gave it the meaning that it is a big deal and that I can’t fail to achieve my goal the first time out.
Over the years people have wanted to mentor with me so they could successfully achieve their private practice goal as I achieved mine. My simple answer was and still is – the secret to my success is working on myself and with myself every day. Remember that your success is an inside job and if you aren’t in right alignment with your values and criteria for your successful life, whatever that looks like for you, then you will hit resistance and derail a lot. The answers are within you.
Back to the weight example, I used to have a weight reduction program and it was designed so that people could maintain their goal weight, rather than just achieve it and then gain all their weight back plus some. My approach is logical to me, and the most important piece of the methodology is the inner work. No one could remain as the person they were BEING when they enrolled in the program; they needed to transform themselves from the inside out and BE the person who could maintain their achievement for life; in this case their weight reduction and fitness.
So, back to how goal-setting can be detrimental to your success. Setting a fantastic external goal to achieve something important to you will inevitably get derailed if you don’t have the EF skills, strategies, beliefs and identity to both reach your goal and sustain your achievement. And, if codependent traits and patterns are woven into your daily life, you will be losing precious hours to BEING codependent – in your behaviors and thinking – which will keep you from reaching your goal more quickly and easily.
Certainly, moving through your life without a rudder, a goal, is living aimlessly. Again, it’s important to set a goal for direction and purpose, and then to turn inward so you can BE the person who can achieve your external goal.
You may have heard of your subconscious mind. It’s more powerful than your conscious mind and enforces your subconscious scripting. How many of you are trapped being chronically depressed, anxious, ill, addicted, or stuck in the endless loop of earlier life traumas? The pain of these life experiences can be released; or, your needless suffering can go on indefinitely. We are definitely as limited as we make up our minds to be. We have so many limiting beliefs that are stored in our minds as facts when they aren’t facts; they are limiting beliefs. If something isn’t 100% true, then it’s a belief, not a fact, and most likely a limiting belief. We need to identify them, challenge them, disprove them, and shift them to beliefs that are empowering for us now. Remember – whether you believe you can or believe you can’t – you’re right.
If you aren’t yet a member of my Facebook group, Living Beyond ADHD, I highly recommend you get over there and ask to join. And, IF you follow the steps, you will be approved more quickly than if you don’t. The steps are: 1-Ask to join. 2- Answer the few questions that are asked of you, including the question about the group rules. 3-We don’t chase people who don’t respond to the questions asked; they are not approved after 1-2 days of no answers. 4-We have rules so that the group is a safe space, free of judgment, and a place where you can show up and interact with like-minded adults – laugh a little, learn a little and most of all be connected to a positive energy community. 5-Approvals are done 1-2x/week so please be patient.
I currently go live in the group once a month on a Friday at 11:30 am Pacific time, and answer questions posed by group members in the monthly post for the live Q & A session. It’s definitely worth joining us to get your questions answered, unless you have all the answers you want. Look for the Q & A post for the upcoming live Q & A. The next one is December 10th at 11:30 am Pacific Time. You don’t need to attend live to get your questions answered because there’s a replay of the live Q & A. So, join the group, answer the questions asked of you, and then post your questions about adult ADHD or Executive Function Skills for the next live Q & A. And while you’re waiting for that live event, there is plenty to do in the group – like-minded adults and engaging posts so you feel right at Home.
Since you’re listening to this podcast, I will assume you want to develop your Executive Function skills or at least get accurate information about them as well as about adult ADHD. If so, I have lots of free resources on my website at: Drbarbaracohen.com.
And, if you are interested in learning more about the development of your Executive Function skills, I highly recommend you join the informational ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills Waitlist for January 2022. Getting on the Waitlist doesn’t obligate you to join the program. It simply provides you with emails we wrote about the development of Executive Function skills, and how the program facilitates you developing yours, so that you no longer have limitations on what you can or can’t do. Let me say that again – in this 7- month immersive, and experiential program who have the opportunity to transform your life from the inside out and learn to function in ways that have previously eluded you. It’s a bold promise and yet it’s true.
In 7-months, you can transform your life from the typical underachieving adult flooded with shame and overwhelm, who is unable to plan and follow through on a daily schedule, who is unable to organize and prioritize their thinking and external life, who just can’t shift appropriately from tasks, thoughts or feelings and feels like nothing could possibly help their situation. Does any of what I’m describing resonate with you? It doesn’t have to be exactly these challenges; however, I think you get what I’m saying. It’s time to move hopelessness to the curb and let yourself experience a new found freedom and sense of peace.
For those of you who have been long time listeners, you know I am big on WINS and their importance in your life. There’s another important aspect to focusing on WINS and that is you are intentionally training your mind for consistency - every day to notice what is right with you, right with what you are doing and right in the world – in other words… WINS. You aren’t leaving your life outcomes to chance. You aren’t ignoring the little wins that add up day after day into something Amazing.
For example, if you swear you just don’t have the time to watch a 90-minute training, (which many people just don’t), and you break it down into 15-minute segments done every day – in just 6 days, you’ve watched the 90-minute training and even have another 15 minutes to record your insights, unless you do that daily. Amazing! You did have time; just done differently. You deserve the win!!
A WINS mindset is pro-actively looking for and celebrating your wins - big and small. They might be about you, the “human being” or about you, the “human doing” – both are valuable so long as you keep your wins in balance. You are a “human being” first – a “human doing” second. How you experience your life and the meanings you give the events of your life contribute greatly to the quality of your life. We don’t always have control over the events or experiences; however, we do have control over the meaning we give them and the thoughts that we think. You are the thinker of your thoughts – so be mindful when you choose how and what you will think. Stand guard at the doorway to your mind because no one else is going to do that for you – you are 100% responsible for what you let in.
You are a precious child of God and the universe; and are called a “human being” not a “human doing” for good reason. You don’t have to earn your value; you were born with it. Your value comes from “who” you are being; not what you do. And if you need a place to know that is true, be sure to join the Facebook group, so you can be with others who will celebrate yours WINS with you and affirm that you are more than okay as you, the “human being.”
So, what’s it going to be for you today? Are you flying under the radar with a new habit and eliminating all resistance? That’s fantastic! Have you put your “me time” on your calendar so you can see that you matter as much as everything else on there? Congratulations on valuing your value! Have you set an external goal for direction and motivation and then allowed yourself to move towards it because it excites you? Awesome! Now you have something to look forward to every day when you wake up. I’m sure you get the point; celebrate all of them. And none of this “half-hearted celebrating”; you’ve got to mean it. Exaggerate your emotions. YES!!! WOW!!! AWESOME!!! Celebrating daily builds consistency and life transformation more quickly; plus, it feels good.
How much time do we have? Not much. So, let’s get to it.
So, back to Goal Setting Can Be Detrimental to Your Success! Let’s take a look at 3 common goals and what you can do to increase your successful outcomes.
• Create a new daily habit and stay consistent. This means “keep your word to yourself” no matter what.
• Decide on homes and curfew for all things. Stay consistent.
• Get 8 hours of sleep consistently. Experience what being well-rested is.
So, what are the saboteurs that typically derail you from any of these 3 goals?
• Not being in the mood or feeling like doing what you committed to do?
• Choosing again?
• Living from circumstances, not commitment?
Let’s say that you’ve made a commitment to yourself to give everything a home and enforce a curfew for everything as well. The saboteurs that get you every time could be all three:
1. Not being in the mood or feeling like doing what you committed to do, when you committed to do it
2. Which leads you to choose again with your time
3. Hence you are living from circumstance not commitment.
This is typically what happens to most adults I work with and there is a solution.
The solution is a pre-step; a step you need to take before you take steps for the main step towards your goal. That pre-step is what most people skip over and then things fall apart. And, if you want to keep it together and make progress with your goal, then you need to take this pre-step.
What is it? You need to learn to keep your word to yourself, no matter what. Not what you were expecting? It’s so much easier to focus on things outside of yourself – things you think will help you achieve your goal – it’s an illusion. The path to the achievement of your goal begins on the inside. And it begins with you doing what you say you will do…consistently. This is self-integrity.
Now, I know that you already have something in your life that you consistently do. It’s probably something you deem to be “sacred” and it’s a given that you will do that thing no matter what. Perhaps it’s how you treat your canine-companion or the way you organize and protect any precious collectible you have. The point is, whatever that “sacred” task or item is, you consistently follow through and take care of it, no matter what. Now, you can justify it to me and say that of course you keep your word with that, and that the rest of your life is different. There’s nothing that important except the one thing you currently keep your word on. That’s the point. If it’s that important, you keep your word. Knowing that, you already have the solution. You keep your word on things that are that important to you and don’t on everything else. The solution is – for anything you want to keep your word on consistently, you need to promote those things to “sacred” status and you will.
What are some other saboteurs that will potentially derail your success? 1. Self-doubt and low self-esteem – starting from a mindset of doubting yourself before you even initiate on the task and possibly not even believing that you are worthy of the success.
2. Continuous negativity – there always has to be something wrong – whether it’s with you or things in your life – otherwise, you’d be headed towards success and if you have a limiting belief that you don’t deserve success, you’ll have to derail and self-sabotage so you don’t get success.
3. Endless dissatisfaction – it’s the old cup is half empty vs. half full. You stay focused on what you don’t have instead of what you do – and what you focus on grows. Happiness is an inside job and you get to choose to be happy or miserable, no matter what’s going on in your outside world – it’s your choice.
4. Troubled relationships – being in alignment in your significant relationships is crucial to any meaningful success you are seeking. If you’ve made up negative narratives about people in your life that cause you suffering, you are creating your own deeper dissatisfaction. Yes, facts are facts…and – you’re the meaning maker of those facts. What meanings are you choosing?
5. Placing blame – you can’t get unstuck when you are blaming outside forces for things you need to fix within yourself. Back to it being an inside job. No point in blaming anyone or anything. Life happens and it’s the meanings we make of our life experiences that colors how we feel about our life.
6. Relentless comparison to others – if you are compelled to compare, compare yourself to yourself from the day before. Ask yourself if you are better in some way today than you were yesterday? If the answer is yes, then it’s a good day. If the answer is no, you’ve got work to do. Every day is an opportunity to grow and become more than you were yesterday.
7. Persistent overthinking – the serenity prayer offers wisdom to address this: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, & the wisdom to know the difference.
8. Expectation-induced stress – if you are attached to how your external goal should unfold and what it should look like when you achieve it, you are setting yourself up for needless stress. Release your judgment, attachment and expectations so you can be pleasantly surprised when you achieve your success.
9. Holding on to the past – if you want to move forward, you have to let go of the past. If you want more of what you’ve had in the past, then bring your past with you, and watch it color your present and future experiences. If you want a fresh start – give it to yourself and release the hold your past has on you.
I want you all to know that there is real hope for resolving the challenges you are experiencing with your goal setting. You don’t have to continue to fail to achieve your goals or even stop setting them because you’ve given up hope of ever achieving them. You can change your approach; set your goal and then turn your attention to your inner world for the work you need to do to achieve your goals.
And, there’s a problem. YOU have to make a decision to help yourself. YOU have to make a decision to keep your word to yourself and follow through. YOU have to know that the decision you are making is the right one for you, before you make it. And…how are you supposed to do that when you never learned how to make good decisions? Simple. Check out my Decision-Making Made Easy Masterclass. It will teach you what making a good decision is like, step by step, and then you get to practice making good decisions with me by your side. How cool is that?
The widespread needless suffering of millions of adults around the world has to stop, and I am doing what I can to stop it with this generation; with us. We all need to address so much of the negativity that we have been indoctrinated with, as well as further develop our under-developed Executive Function skills if we want to live the life that is possible for us with those changes. We have to BE the person who lives the life we say we want; not struggle to live the life we say we want so we can become the person someday who has that life. That’s backwards thinking. You need to BE the change you want to see in your life.
Are you tired of waiting for the life you want for yourself to materialize? Are you tired of working harder than most people you know and still not achieving your external goals? Perhaps you’d be thrilled to be able to complete one thing. Or, to know that you do still have time to achieve what’s important to you; whatever it Is.
Your life is full of clues about what’s missing or needs your attention. Slow down and become a student of your own life. Study yourself – who you are today and who you need to BE to DO what you want to HAVE. Understand what you need to succeed with the multi-faceted brain you have. Take action on what you learn about yourself. This is the lifework that lies ahead for you, if this is your time.
You came to this lifetime with an amazing gift; everyone did. It’s your unique piece of the jigsaw puzzle that completes the picture of how the world can be. I would love it if each and every person on this planet were able to express his or her unique gifts freely, without the threat of being shamed or criticized. What a world that would be. Let’s put an end to the stigma once and for all, and become who we are destined to BE so we can DO what we are destined to HAVE and share it with the world.
A Favorite Quote: “Set a goal so big that you can’t achieve it, until you grow into the person who can.” ~ Anonymous
This is one of my most favorite quotes because it’s what I used to move myself forward. I wasn’t able to achieve my big external goal until I became the person who could. And, as I continue to evolve and expand that which is me, I can BE more of who I need to be to fulfill my vision.
What this quote says to me is that the many parts of myself are always listening – that they are each sensitive to something I say, whether it’s encouraging or abusive. And since I never know whose listening at any given time, and I am 100% responsible, 100% of the time for what I say to myself, it’s up to me to do what I can do to evict the negative and feed the positive in everything. So, I ask myself daily - “how can I” and I do that.
Whether you’re learning from my podcast show or Facebook group or working with me directly, you are in my world and I’m here to serve your needs. Be sure to reach out and get your needs met. It’s up to you to take action so things can change for the better for you. And they can only change for the better for you if you change. Like Jim Rohn said – I can’t do your push-ups for you, however, I can show you how to get the most out of doing them. The same is true with your magnificent mind.
Make it a priority to answer the questions, if you ask to join the Facebook group, so you can have a non-judgment community to lean into. Put yourself on the Waitlist for the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills Program, so that you receive all the amazing emails we’ve written to both educate you about Executive Function skills as well as the details of the program; there is absolutely no obligation by being on the Waitlist. You’ll thank yourself for getting informed.
And, if you’re on the Waitlist for January 2022, you’ll hear about transformations that are happening for students in such a short period of time such as part of a message I received recently:
Thank you, Dr B. I feel soooo supported by you. Things you are sharing are resonating with me and getting answers and clarity about what I’m going through and just feeling like “YES! You get me!!” Your compassion for us and what you do comes through too. It’s a gift Dr B to have never met and feel like someone is holding my hand through this for the first time. You make that effort to let me know you’re here and talking directly to me, and then, you add in nurturing messages like how we are a precious child of God whose value is given and that we are a human being and not a human doing - those statements alone has given me perspective and allowed me to release a lot of negative light; and give so much more self-love to Myself.
Thank you for fighting for yourself all those years even when things didn’t look good, because what you’ve discovered and are now sharing is changing my life. And in turn, changing my children’s lives.
If you’ve enjoyed today’s episode or any of the other episodes, please share this podcast with others. I would also be grateful if you’d rate the show and write a positive or inspiring review on iTunes so I know I’m meeting your needs. It means a lot to me to know your life is getting a little bit better every time we get together. Please higher ratings will allow more people to find this show and benefit as well.
Be sure to check out the show notes for the many opportunities available to you to stop your needless suffering. I would love to help you realize a new found freedom, that is…if that’s of interest to you. Thanks for listening… Until the next time… Bye for now…
Episode Resources:
- Put yourself on the informational Waitlist for the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills Program, so that you receive all the amazing emails we’ve written to both educate you about Executive Function skills as well as the details of the program; there is absolutely no obligation by being on the Waitlist. You’ll thank yourself for getting informed.
- 13 EF Skills
- Join the amazing Living Beyond ADHD Facebook Group & hang out with your peeps
- Follow me on Dr B Facebook Page and enjoy live videos and more
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