Let’s Start With Some Pre-Skills When So Much Needs Your Attention - 039
Sep 04, 2017Welcome to the thirty-ninth episode of Harness Your ADHD Power.
I’m so glad you could join me today. One of the episodes you all are listening to the most is 027, figuring out where to start when so much needs your attention now. That said, I decided that it’s important for you to understand what some of the steps are you need to be taking in order to be successful in getting a handle on all the moving parts of your life that need your attention now.
I talk a lot about pre-skills. What do I mean by this term? Pre-skills are whatever skills you need to learn or master in order to do what you want or need to do and you won’t be able to do so without the pre-skills.
I posed a question years ago. It was, if you were able to focus on what you need to focus on, when you need to focus on it, and how you need to focus on it and complete your tasks, AND, if you were able to regulate your moods or emotions when you needed to, and how you needed to so you didn’t become overwhelmed or derailed by your emotional life, would those two solutions address the majority of the challenges you experience from your ADHD? The answer I got years ago was a definite YES. What about your answer? A definite YES?
Imagine being able to master these two areas of your life. This is truly what I mean by pre-skills. They are the pre-requisites to your success in so many areas of your life. I can teach you strategies for following through or prioritizing or organizing or better communication with loved ones, however, if you can’t regulate your focus and emotional state, you’re going to have difficulty mastering the strategies and tools.
Something else I’ve noticed is a lack of a sense of urgency in those with ADHD until the urgency comes crashing in on you from the outside; but no sense of urgency to get into action and follow through from within yourself, in most cases.
And what about your “criteria” for the decision you need to make? Do you have any? Or rather, do you have the type of “criteria” that will empower you to make good decisions and know why you’ve made them? Without that, how can you possibly learn from your mistakes or outcomes?
In this episode, I’m going explore the many pre-skills that are essential to you designing, cultivating and mastering a happier and more productive life across all areas of your life.
It takes courage to own the truth of your life and transform it into something extraordinary, if it isn’t that already. Acceptance isn’t resignation; it’s starting with what is and moving forward from there.
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Full Episode Transcript
Hey ADDers! I’m so glad you could join me today. One of the episodes you all are listening to the most is 027, figuring out where to start when so much needs your attention now. That said, I decided that it’s important for you to understand what some of the steps are you need to be taking in order to be successful in getting a handle on all the moving parts of your life that need your attention now.
I talk a lot about pre-skills. What do I mean by this term? Pre-skills are whatever skills you need to learn or master in order to do what you want or need to do and you won’t be able to do so without the pre-skills. Example – You don’t work with a financial budget and your bills need your attention. Assuming you have the funds to pay them all or some of them and need to make arrangements on others, the goal is to bring your financial situation current for everything. So what kinds of skills will you need in order to achieve this goal?
• You need the ability to focus your attention, when and where you need to.
• You need the ability to regulate your emotional state, when and if emotions arise about your finances.
o Feelings that might arise are shame, embarrassment or distress • You need the ability to detach yourself from this task and work with it as “just doing business” rather than it being a reflection about you.
• You need the ability to follow through on your tasks and keep your word to yourself and do the things when you commit to do them.
• For the filler to the main pieces, you need the ability to: o Make phone calls o Write checks or make payments online o Need to know how much money you have o How much you currently owe o What you can afford to pay now for payments o Need to know what’s coming up in the next week, two & month
• You need some form of a budget or financial structure or tool to work with to track your financial life and be able to stay consistent with it. This is an example of what I mean by pre-skills to a task. Without these preskills, even if you have the money and are good with math, you might not be able to successfully attend to your financial life because you are missing some pre-skills. Make sense? I hope so.
I know it sounds like a lot and perhaps it is, and over time once you have developed these skills, you won’t be needing to develop them every time you address your financial matters or even other matters because many of these pre-skills are needed in other areas of your life besides finances. And no, I’m not saying that you need to not pay your bills or take care of your financial matters at all until you develop these pre-skills. What I am saying is that once you do develop them, taking care of your financial matters will become much easier and more enjoyable, and hence a great reason to develop these pre-skills. How do you know what pre-skills you need to develop? Great question! The way I’ve learned what mine were was to work backwards. I wrote down my ultimate goal, which using this example would be to get current with bills and financial matters. Working backwards, in order for that to take place, I need to know how to do all of the things I talked about a few minutes ago. If I know that I don’t have the ability or knowledge of how to do those things, then those are the pre-skills I need to learn how to do because they will stop me and I will end up procrastinating on getting started or finishing up because I lack the skills and I can’t; not because I don’t want to. But to those who don’t know that I am missing these skills, it just looks like I don’t care about my responsibilities and I am a procrastinator and never take care of my responsibilities. It’s a hurtful thought when others see me that way. I imagine it would be for you too.
What kinds of pre-skills might you need? Certainly clarity about your financial goals, and self-awareness about how you feel about money would be two important ones. If you have a scarcity mentality and continually earn less than you need because of your beliefs about money, before you can really get a handle on your finances long-term, I would think you’d want to address these scarcity beliefs.
I’ve learned over the years that things aren’t necessarily as simple as they seem and that many things are much simpler than I think. I’ve learned that when I have all the information and tools I need to get a task done, and have the confidence to achieve my goal, because I have the competence (all the skills I need in all the areas I am addressing) then the task gets done. Unless of course, I choose again or slip out an exit or sabotage myself for some other reasons.
I posed a question years ago. It was, if you were able to focus on what you need to focus on, when you need to focus on it, and how you need to focus on it and complete your tasks, AND, if you were able to regulate your moods or emotions when you needed to, and how you needed to so you didn’t become overwhelmed or derailed by your emotional life, would those two solutions address the majority of the challenges you experience from your ADHD? The answer I got years ago was a definite YES. What about your answer? A definite YES? Imagine being able to master these two areas of your life. This is truly what I mean by pre-skills. They are the pre-requisites to your success in so many areas of your life. I can teach you strategies for following through or prioritizing or organizing or better communication with loved ones, however, if you can’t regulate your focus and emotional state, you’re going to have difficulty mastering the strategies and tools.
Something else I’ve noticed is a lack of a sense of urgency in those with ADHD until the urgency comes crashing in on you from the outside; but no sense of urgency to get into action and follow through from within yourself, in most cases.
And what about your “criteria” for the decision you need to make? Do you have any? Or rather, do you have the type of “criteria” that will empower you to make good decisions and know why you’ve made them? Without that, how can you possibly learn from your mistakes or outcomes? I talked about some of these topics in Episode 027 and it’s important for me to talk about them again in a different context so you can understand their importance and why pre-skills are essential to your initial and ongoing success.
In this episode I’m not concerned about whether or not you’ve gotten a diagnosis or assessment or whether or not you know with certainty that you do have adult ADHD. What I am more concerned about today is that you know that there are pre-skills to learn and pre-steps to take that you may not have been aware of, that are essential to your success in designing and living a happier and more productive life as an adult in today’s world. And remember – your relationship with yourself, how you value yourself and how you take care of yourself sets the bar for how you live your life and what you say yes or no to.
It’s never too late to get started on this journey if you still have the breath of life in you and your wits about you. If you’re younger than my 66 years young, and just starting on this journey, that’s great! You’ll have so many more years of a happier and more productive life once you assess and address whatever pre-skills you’re missing and master them. How exciting!! And if you’re my age or older, I know this is the happiest I’ve been in my lifetime, and it just keeps getting better. I trust you can be happier, more productive and ultimately more successful, once you get the pre-skills and tools you need to take you to the next level of your personal development. As one of my teacher’s puts it, “what got you here won’t get you there,” so you may as well go for it even now! And while you’re going for it, remember to practice cultivating resilience, so you can “bounce back” from the adversities you will face as you meet the challenges you have to face and grow from. Seriously, I think the encouraging point here is that there are very clearreasons for our failures and successes, which means we can all change whatneeds changing, whatever our ages, gain the competence we need, where we need it, and increase our successful outcomes, happiness and productivity tremendously.
Remember, not achieving your goals or objectives thus far doesn’t make YOU a failure; it only means that you’ve failed to achieve an outcome (which is behavioral) but that your value as a human being is still intact, since you are not what you do or don’t do; you are more than that. YOU are NOT defective or less than as you – as a human being; you’re just in need of learning more about yourself to discover the pre-skills and tools you need for your own success. I hope you will find some of what you need here with me, as you listen to each episode.
I’m curious…from what you’ve heard me share about so far, are you gaining insights into some of your missing skills? I hope so. We’re getting closer to today’s 3 important points, with relevant stories, an action step, and a favorite quote of mine. Let’s keep going… As I said a bit earlier today, your relationship with yourself is critical to your success with what follows. If your relationship with yourself is lacking much of what I’ve talked about in many other episodes, then it is your first pre-skill to be developed! Because, until you can truly create and consistently sustain a healthy relationship with yourself, where you are able to give to yourself that which you need to, in a consistent way, your odds of building out the rest of your life successfully is pretty slim. In this episode, I’m going explore the many pre-skills that are essential to you designing, cultivating and mastering a happier and more productive life across all areas of your life.
How much time do we have? Not much. So let’s get to it.
Today’s 3 important points are: 1. Accurately assessing and identifying your missing pre-skills 2. Starting to learn the pre-skills you need for greater success 3. Maintaining your ongoing awareness of possible missing pre-skills
Now back to being an adult with ADHD in today’s world.
It’s almost story time, but first, your WINS. I encourage you to acknowledge and celebrate them every day because they matter! Every WIN you acknowledge and celebrate with emotional authenticity, is changing your neurology, meanings and mindset in a positive way. Seems like a great return on your time investment.
And please don't short-change yourself by thinking that it’s pointless or stupid to reward yourself for things you’re “supposed to do.” That couldn’t be further from the truth. Are you really going to wait until something HUGE happens to celebrate? Seriously? Does something HUGE happen everyday? Probably not! But the kind of WINS I’m talking about do. And based on the feedback I get from the students in my program, this regular practice of celebrating their WINS is changing their lives. So, what’s it going to be for your WINS? Perhaps you risked telling someone how you feel about him or her; that’s a WIN. Or maybe you picked up an old hobby over the weekend, that you haven’t engaged in for years; certainly a WIN. Or perhaps you decided to begin working on your lack of career clarity, and getting clear about the specifics of what you want, so that your job search will be more successful; that’s definitely a WIN. Whatever you choose is up to you; however, I want you to choose something and celebrate it right now – either a loud or to yourself. I want you to really FEEL that WIN, and acknowledge that at least one thing has gone right in your day, is right about you, even if everything else looks bleak right now. I get it! And, that doesn’t take away from the fact that at least one thing has gone right today or is right with you. You are a precious child of the universe; and are called a “human being” not a “human doing” for good reason. You don’t have to earn your value; you were born with it. You’re value comes from “who” you are; not what you do. Got it?
The reasons you are where you are in your life are unique to you. And, I hope that at least one of these stories will resonate with you and be of benefit. So let’s keep going.
Transitioning to our first story: • Rob was a math wiz and graduated the top of his class. He went on to become a CPA at a high-profile firm and was doing quite well in his career. • However, his personal life was another story. Given his academic achievements and field of expertise, no one would ever suspect that he was unable to manage his own financial life. He felt tremendous shame and kept this mostly to himself. • Rob was thoroughly confused by how different his academic and work life was from his personal life. He even made the cover of an esteemed magazine in his field just 6 months earlier. • At work he was able to put his analytical mind to work and crunch the numbers and work with them as if they were pieces of a puzzle to be solved and to create the most attractive outcomes possible. • On the home front, Rob knew he made plenty of money yet couldn’t even get his bills paid on time, and had been sent to collection agencies on several occasions. How could this be the same guy? • He wondered if he was intentionally trying to destroy his career; to sabotage all the hard work he put in for years. What was wrong with him? • The same skill sets that Rob used in his work life were needed for his personal finances, yet he was unable to map over the skills and strategies for himself; he lacked the mental flexibility to make that shift. • How much less stressful and confusing Rob’s life would have been had he known about his ADHD years earlier. It was only when he was on the verge of a severe depressive episode that he sought help and his ADHD was diagnosed; with his depressive episode secondary to his ADHD. • What was also discovered was some of the missing pre-skills that explained why Rob was unable to use what he knew so well at work for his own benefit at home.
Background facts: • Rob was a highly intelligent male, whose intelligence covered his many skill deficits for most of his life. Only when he was pushing the very top of his field did things start to fall apart for him and the truth of his situation revealed itself. • The most severe of his missing skills was the inability to take learning from one situation and apply it to a new situation; he just didn’t have that mental flexibility. It’s as if he mind was unable to recognize that the same skill was applicable in both situations. If Rob had gotten a qEEG, it most likely would have shown that there was significant hypo connectivity between various parts of his brain that were the underlying reasons for the skill deficits. • Rob’s interest driven brain worked fantastic at the office but at home, he couldn’t have been less interested in his own finances; he viewed it almost as insignificant. The logical part of his brain that continuously told him to get his bills paid, couldn’t override the skill deficits that couldn’t get him activated to do so. If you relate to Rob’s story, here’s your action step: o Focus – on assessing and identifying your own missing preskills. Look at what you are able to do in other settings and see if you are able to map over those skills into the new situation. If not, you are onto identifying what’s missing. o Follow Through – on working on the development of the neurological connections that are needed for the parts of your brain to work in harmony and use information that each part has. Make sure to pay attention and make note of everything you are observing to share with any professionals you are working with.
o Self-Management – of your feelings of shame or embarrassment of not understanding the source of your challenges until much later in life. Forgive yourself for being harsh with yourself as you take care of whatever needs addressing and learn your missing pre-skills. Be sure to praise yourself for each new success and WIN so you encourage yourself to continue to do the work to move yourself to the next level of success.
Transitioning to our next story: • Louise felt she was a mess. She had been struggling to keep up for most of her life and didn’t know why. In her mid-40s she had been living with the mystery challenges for most all her life. She kept telling her parents, teachers, therapists and medical doctors about all the problems she was having, and yet no one offered her anything other than “give it time” or “you’ll outgrow it” or “there’s medication you can take to reduce your stress” or “you’re doing as well as your peers so perhaps you’re not as bad off as you are saying.” • Louise’s parents even took her to get an evaluation when she was around 13, but the therapist said it was nothing more than puberty and she would feel better once she settled into her emerging young womanhood. The therapist didn’t diagnose her with ADHD or executive function deficits or anything because she didn’t fit an important piece of the diagnostic criteria for ADHD, which was the age when significant symptoms emerged. And the controlled testing done didn’t show her executive function deficits to be more than mildly disabling. Of course, they were much more than mildly disabling in the real world; not the assessment office. • Once again, being bright was a problem for a proper assessment. • Since no one seemed to be able to help Louise identify or assess what her challenges might be, she took matters into her own hands. She started to create workarounds and strategies for herself so she could keep up with her peers. She got so good at creating effective strategies that her peers wanted her to help them create specific strategies for them to be even more effective in their schoolwork. • Louise knew that she was very creative and really enjoyed creating the little strategies for herself and her peers. She would imagine that inanimate objects came to life and had needs to be met. As she got older, her stories and strategies matured and her “characters” were like good friends. When she needed to get something organized, she would imagine that her “good friends” were there to help her. They seemed to know things that she didn’t, like where things actually lived; their homes. So long as she listened to her “good friends” and put things where she was told, everything went quite smoothly. When she tried to think it through herself and give them homes, it wasn’t intuitive or organic and she had a very hard time of it. It’s as if her creative right brain was more efficient at doing the work for her than her more analytical left-brain. So she went with her strengths and it made her life easier. • Louise found that just letting it unfold in a more organic way was best for her. She was able to imagine super heroes that came to her rescue, and helped her feel more secure in her day-to-day activities.
Background facts: • Louise’s mind was very animated and she found it necessary to work in a more intuitive way than analytical or logical. • Even though she needed to learn to plan, schedule, follow a plan, be flexible, think ahead and organize the flow of information and things, she also found it necessary to make up stories and games to do so. The art of play was her tool or modality of choice. And according to research, one of the best ways for kids and adults to learn something new.
If you relate to Louise’s story, here’s your action step: o Focus – on knowing yourself well enough to determine how you will best learn these new pre-skills o Follow Through – on teaching yourself or learning whatever you’re missing through engaging, fun, playful means with the support you’ll need as you go along.
o Self-Management – of your feelings about having lived for so many years not knowing the true story of your challenges and the strategies that would help you. Trust your instincts about how you best learn or get engaged in something and go with that.
Transitioning to our next story: • Luke and Lizzie had been blaming each other for years. After all, their married life had been so much harder than their friends were going through; and they needed to place the blame somewhere. • There was so much drama in their lives because neither of them had any foresight skills or descent decision-making skills. Their accusations to each other were based in hurt and resentments that the other didn’t consider them before deciding. The statement is true enough that they didn’t consider the other but not because they were selfish or rude; rather than they had no foresight and couldn’t see the problems that lie ahead. They could see them for others but not for themselves. • Also, their decision-making skills lacked a level of maturity that one would think would have existed by the time they were Luke and Lizzie’s ages, but they didn’t. They were in their mid-20s and their executive function skills still hadn’t fully developed. • They each had planning skills but their style was different and so they clashed with each other. Their lack of foresight interfered with their ability to plan effectively.
Background Facts: • This is a perfect example of the need to seek to understand first before seeking to be understood. Neither Luke nor Lizzie had any sense of the other and how they processed information and made sense of the world. • Because they each lacked an understanding of the other and didn’t seem to have the skills to gain that understanding, they were at a loss. • One skill that they lacked was the mental flexibility; the ability to step outside of them and see or experience the other separate from them.
Every time they said they tried to do this, they were taking their own biases with them; not a pure view at all. • Because they couldn’t see each other, they would get into arguments where they were insistent or indignant and had a lot of trouble adapting. • They also had difficulties with setting priorities and goals. In fact, they each had their own priorities and because there wasn’t any commonly shared criteria for setting the priorities they clashed there too.
If you relate to Luke and Lizzie’s story, here’s your action step: o Focus – on seeing the other with clarity so you can correctly interpret what you are experiencing. o Follow Through – and make sure you understand which skills are missing from each of you so that you don’t misinterpret what the intention of the other might be. o Self-Management – of your need to be right. You can either push to be right or be together. When you are so insistent that you are right, you aren’t leaving any space for you to see the other person’s point of view.
A Favorite Quote:
William A. Foster said, “Quality is never an accident; it is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, intelligent direction and skillful execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives.” The question I have for you at this point of our journey together is, “Are you willing to train your mind to produce wise choices and skillful executions in the face of many alternatives?” I hope so because it will change your life forever! It takes courage to own the truth of your life and transform it into something extraordinary, if it isn’t that already. Acceptance isn’t resignation; it’s starting with what is and moving forward from there. Thanks for spending time with me today. No matter how you choose to have me serve your needs, it’s an honor to accompany you on your journey and make a difference in the quality of your life.
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