Set Your Goal SO Big That You Have to Grow to Achieve It - 089
Sep 27, 2021When you set a goal, you are setting a direction for yourself. And setting a direction can change the course of your life; it depends on the goal that you set.
In my 50s, I wrote a goal on my flipchart one day that I wanted to have a positive impact on the lives of at least a million people in my lifetime. I had no idea what that goal really meant nor how it would unfold when I wrote it that day.
Then, many years ago, I found an anonymous quote online – “Set a goal so big that you can’t achieve it until you grow into the person who can.” Okay… I had set a goal so big that I couldn’t even imagine how I could achieve it, however, the quote said that I needed to grow into the person who could. At the time, I had no idea what that meant – grow into who and how?
Looking back, I can see that the combination of the goal I wrote and the quote I found were the stimulus for me to grow into who I have become and am BEING, which is allowing me to fulfill my goal. As Steve Jobs said, “we can only connect the dots looking backwards, not forward.”
In this episode Dr B talks about:
- The importance of setting a big goal
- How setting big goals pull us forward to grow
- The importance of celebrating your wins
- Strong community and Live Q & A in the Living Beyond ADHD FB Group
- Getting on the informational Waitlist for the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills program
Developing your Executive Function Skills and shifting your limiting beliefs is the fastest and most effective way to overcome ADHD limitations, find focus, gain confidence, and newfound freedom in your life!
My mission is to put an end to the worldwide needless suffering of adults with ADHD and those with under-developed Executive Function Skills - whether from ADHD, chronic depression or anxiety, trauma, addictions, or chronic illnesses. And, you don't need a formal diagnosis to know you need help developing these executive function skills in order to greatly reduce your suffering.
Full Episode Transcript
Set Your Goal SO Big That You Have to Grow to Achieve It Episode #089
When you set a goal, you are setting a direction for yourself. And setting a direction can change the course of your life; it depends on the goal that you set.
In my 50s, I wrote a goal on my flipchart one day that I wanted to have a positive impact on the lives of at least a million people in my lifetime. I had no idea what that goal really meant nor how it would unfold when I wrote it that day.
Then, many years ago, I found an anonymous quote online – “Set a goal so big that you can’t achieve it until you grow into the person who can.” Okay… I had set a goal so big that I couldn’t even imagine how I could achieve it, however, the quote said that I needed to grow into the person who could. At the time, I had no idea what that meant – grow into who and how?
Looking back, I can see that the combination of the goal I wrote and the quote I found were the stimulus for me to grow into who I have become and am BEING, which is allowing me to fulfill my goal. As Steve Jobs said, “we can only connect the dots looking backwards, not forward.”
Earlier versions of me (in the 1980s) could only imagine being someone’s assistant; not a visionary – not a person determined to change how adult ADHD and many other mental health issues are viewed and addressed. I knew from my own personal journey and those of the many adults I have worked with over the years, that the current ways, the old ways, are no longer suitable and never were. We are entitled to know what is possible for us, whether we are living with ADHD, depression, anxiety, addictions, trauma, chronic illness and more – because underlying all of these are under-developed executive function skills. When you are living with any of these conditions, your energy and focus is flowing elsewhere; not on the development of your EF skills. These conditions pull so much of our day-to-day ability to make it through a day with some successes, we have nothing left over to give to our developing EF skills.
Their development begins in childhood and so do many of the conditions I just mentioned. I remember interviewing a 10-year boy for a research study on ADHD, that I was an international researcher for, and had to disqualify him for participating in the study because he was depressed and mildly suicidal. He was 10-years old. The win in this situation is that I was able to sit with him and his parents and advocate for getting him the help he needed and talk briefly about the changes that could be made immediately in their family system. I’m so glad I was able to have that conversation and advocate for him.
I often quote Jim Rohn and it’s appropriate again here – For things to change, YOU have to change. And the changes will need to be made from the inside out. Again, the changes will need to be made from the inside out.
Yes, I can teach you how to make proper plans, set solid goals, how to prioritize and stay on task… AND, I also need to teach you and help you change from the inside out; to transform yourself from the current version of yourself to what’s next for you. In other words, if you keep your current identity of an ADDer (if that’s you), then by default, an ADDers can’t do the things well that you need and want to do to have the successful life you want. All you have to do is read the diagnostic criteria for ADHD to see the impossibility of this approach. Instead, you need to upgrade who you are being, transform your identity so that you are no longer an ADDer – not by that definition – rather a human being with a brain that is configured as it is and train yourself to be able to do amazing things with your magnificent brain.
Certainly, through much of my life, I would set goals or say things that I wanted to be different, but I never considered how I would need to change and who I would need to become for those changes to actually happen, because the changes can't happen within the old me. If they could have, they would have. Instead, the changes belong to the new me. They belong to the me that changed. And in the new me that changed, all kinds of things can become a part of my life and change for me. But not with the old me. So, if I stayed the same, and was going to be the same me that I was years ago, with the same habits and the same people in my life, with the same way of thinking, and the same way of doing, with the same limited beliefs - If I wanted to keep all of the old stuff, then, the new me could not emerge.
The new me is what would contain all of the new changes that I continually have said that I want. And the same thing is true for you. If we want the changes, we say we want, we need to create and move into an upgraded version of ourselves – we need to be that person starting today. We do this by keeping the best of who we are and then upgrading the rest.
Another way of saying this comes from a song that a friend of mine wrote years ago called “Travel Light” – he said, “take with you the best, and leave the rest behind.” So, when I was making this transformation in my own life, I followed that advice. I traveled light. I took with me the best, and I left the rest behind. And then I started adding in new skills, new beliefs, new ways of behaving, and a new sense of me; who and how I had decided to BE. And that is the person I have continued to grow into “being” over the years.
This is the journey if you want your life to be different; if you want changes – if you need changes, you need to become, need to be the person who can have and live those changes in an ongoing way. Got it? Great!
I want to help you move from stuck to unstoppable through the clarification of your goal, the upgrading of your identity, the reframing of your limited beliefs, and the development of your executive function skills. If there was ever a time that you needed these skills, so you can navigate the ever-changing world successfully – now is that time.
If you aren’t yet a member of my Facebook group, Living Beyond ADHD, I highly recommend you get over there and ask to join. As you are asking to join, pause. Be sure to answer the few questions asked included the question about the group rules. We have rules so that the group is a safe space, free of judgment, and a place where you can show up and interact with like-minded adults – laugh a little, learn a little and most of all be connected to a positive energy community.
I also go live in that group once a month now and answer questions posed by group members. So, if you have questions, it’s definitely worth joining us. You can start to develop your EF skills there. And, if you want to further develop your EF Skills, I have lots of resources available on my website, including the opportunity for you to get on the informational Waitlist for the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills program. There is an email sequence going out now, to everyone on that Waitlist, with information about executive function skills and ways you can start to develop yours. So, recapping - join the Facebook group for community and learning; and visit my website to get on the educational Waitlist to learn even more about your executive function skill development and upcoming opportunities. You won’t want to miss out!
For those of you who have been long time listeners, which many of you have, you know I am big on WINS and their importance in your life. When you are focused on WINS every day, you are training your mind to notice what is right with you, right with what you are doing and right in the world. And especially during a time when it would be easy to ignore what’s right or good or amazing – this is exactly what we need to be focusing on to keep the level of positives within us high, so it can offset the high level of negatives that we are bombarded with every day. How you experience your life and the meanings you give the events of your life contribute greatly to the quality of your life. We don’t always have control over the events or experiences; however, we do have control over the meaning we give them.
We know that what you focus on grows and that it’s important to stand guard at the doorway to your mind and not let in things that don’t serve you. So why focus on anything but WINS? That way, you will continue to attract more and more WINS into your life all leading you to the state of mind and life you want.
You are a precious child of God and the universe; and you are called a “human being” not a “human doing” for good reason. You don’t have to earn your value; you were born with it. Your value comes from “who” you are; not what you do. And if you need a place to know that is true, be sure to join the Facebook group, Living Beyond ADHD, so you can be with others who will celebrate yours WINS with you and affirm that you are more than okay as you, the “human being.”
So, what’s it going to be for you today? If you are teaching your children what you are learning from my podcast, that’s great! If you set a small enough goal for yourself to actually achieve it and feel good about it, that’s fantastic! And, if you’ve made the decision to revisit that goal that’s bigger than you can achieve right now, that’s total awesome! You get the point; celebrate all of them. And none of this “half-hearted celebrating”; you’ve got to mean it. Exaggerate your emotions. YES!!! WOW!!! AWESOME!!! Be sure to celebrate your WINS – big and small – because celebrating daily builds consistency and makes a faster difference in your life.
How much time do we have? Not much. So, let’s get to it.
Back to setting a goal so big that you can’t achieve it until you become the person who can. Do you have such a goal? And have you been stuck trying to figure out how you are going to achieve it, and not figuring out a way and perhaps quitting or getting discouraged? The answer is really simple – not easy – but definitely simple. You first need to become that person, be that person who can achieve the goal and then you can – your success will be inevitable when you are being that person first.
So, is there a gap between who you are being today and who you need to be? Where are you stuck? Do you know? We are as stuck as we make up our mind to be. There are always solutions to keep moving forward.
I gave an example to students a while back that someone might say they want to be a philanthropist and do-good things in the world. And, believe that they need to have the funds and resources or connections first because they can’t be a philanthropist without those things. This is backwards. There are many ways and opportunities to be a philanthropist now and continue to expand what that means and what you are able to do in the world – it can start now if you are being that person now who is a philanthropist. You need to BE first and then do what is in your heart.
So, what’s the goal or vision you have that is so big that you haven’t been able to achieve it because you aren’t yet the person who can? Have you shared it with others or do you keep it to yourself? Are you scared of what it means to go after such a goal and so you haven’t even started yet? Honestly, you need to reverse your process and first focus on who you need to BE in order to achieve your goal and then work on being or becoming and being that person first, and then as that person, you will be in alignment to move forward on your goal.
Another example, if we wanted to be a lion tamer or trainer, it isn’t just about techniques for training the lion. First, we need to be the person who can train a lion. We need the traits, characteristics, values and way of being of such a person before we can proceed and train the lion effectively and without injury. We need to BE first and then do.
Another example, if we are addicted to something – misery, alcohol, people, drugs, spending, gambling, sweets or many other things, our identity is an addict. That is who we are being. Addicts are addicted to something and think and behave and live as the addicted person they are being. It’s near impossible to be an addict on an identity level and not behave that way.
I know from personal experience when I was smoking cigarettes in my early 20s and the person, I got married to hated smoking because his mother was a chain smoker. He said it wouldn’t work for us if I continued to smoke, so I stopped smoking for the 5 years or so we were together. No cigarettes or no cravings or anything about cigarettes. I thought I wasn’t a smoker because I wasn’t smoking. And yet I learned an important lesson when he and I separated and divorced – I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes that day and resumed smoking. Why? Because my identity was still that of a smoker and smokers’ smoke. When I realized this about my identity and who I was even during the years of not smoking, that my identity was still that of a smoker and that’s why it was so easy for me to resume smoking, as if I never stopped, I came to understand the importance of identity. “I am….” and whatever follows those two words are critically important to how you live your life.
Another example, if we wanted to change your career or job, we may know the duties and feel that we can either learn them or already know them, however, if we aren’t already the person – being the person with the qualities of such a person to be the solution to the open position, then we are missing what comes first. We need to BE the solution to the job or career or whatever we want to have or done in the world. BE comes before DO or HAVE.
Is this making sense to you now? I hope so.
Taking another step, BE is an identity. Years ago, I took on the identity to BE “an athlete in training.” My identity statement was “I am an athlete in training” and I knew exactly what my life would be when I made that statement. I already knew when I would be sleeping, eating, training, and how my days would be spent for the most part. It’s a package deal; who we are being, our identity, contains beliefs, behaviors, capabilities, ways of viewing the world and more. It’s so important to be clear on who and what we claim as our identity statement because everything flows from there.
Let’s look at four identity statements and how they can limit or empower you and EF skills you need well developed to successfully BE that person in that life.
• I am a writer.
• I am an actor/actress.
• I am a visionary.
• I am an ADDer.
I am a writer means that I write.
I am an actor/actress means that I act.
I am a visionary means that I envision things that don’t yet exist and bring them to life with help from others.
The first thing to understand about these 3 statements is that there is so much more to them than the literal statement I made. When I am a writer, who am I being? How am I thinking? Behaving? Feeling? Interacting with people? What decisions am I making and how am I making them?
Your identity contains your beliefs, behaviors, values, and more and these first 3 examples are empowering.
What about the identity statement – I am an ADDer? An ADDer believes, behaves, values, thinks and more as the characteristics and diagnostic criteria of someone said to have ADHD. And when we learn how to be and do things that most ADDers don’t do, are we still an ADDer? Not as an identity because we would be incongruent and in conflict with ourselves. We can have the same brain but trained to provide us with outcomes that an untrained brain can’t. If we continue to say “I am an ADDer” then we continue to reinforce that which we no longer are in a sense. ADHD is no longer our identity and our life isn’t built around it; rather, we decide what the life is we want for ourselves and create it because we have trained ourselves to BE who we need to be to create that life. If this sounds like a fairy tale, it’s not. My students are transforming their lives every day and shaping them into what they most want for themselves.
I want you all to know that there is real hope for resolving the challenges you are experiencing with a restricting identity, limiting beliefs and under-developed Executive Function skills.
The goal I wrote so many years ago – to have a positive impact on the lives of at least one million people in my lifetime – you are one of those people because you are listening to this episode or any other episode of my podcast show. And, if you have or are willing to post a positive review about any episode of this show, you will be helping me reach more people to achieve this goal and make a difference.
The widespread needless suffering of millions of adults around the world has to stop, and I am doing what I can to stop it with this generation; with us. We all need to address our limiting beliefs, outdated identities, and under-developed Executive Function skills if we want to live the life that is possible for us with those changes. We have to be the person who lives the life we say we want; not struggle to live the life we say we want so we can become the person someday who has that life. There is no someday on the calendar.
Slow down and become a student of your own life. Understand what you need to succeed with the multi-faceted brain you have. Take action on what you learn about yourself. This is the lifework that lies ahead for you if this is your time.
You came to this lifetime with an empowering gift, and I would love it if each and every person on this planet were able to express his or her unique, empowering gifts freely, without the threat of being shamed or criticized. Let’s put an end to that stigma once and for all.
A Favorite Quote of mine: “Set a goal so big that it scares you”
Big goals require much more of you than small goals. To reach big goals, you must be intentional and plan your approach; there are steps to take and this will take time. Small goals can be immediate gratification. However, you can plan out a big goal so that there are consistent, small achievements to celebrate. You can’t wing it with a big goal. This means I am 100% responsible, 100% of the time for the outcomes in my life with my big goals. It’s up to me to decide what I will do. Whether you’re learning from my podcast episodes or live videos or working with me directly, you are in my world and I’m here to serve your needs. So be sure to reach out and get your needs met. It’s up to you to take action so things can change for the better for you. And they can only change for the better for you if you change.
Two priorities - Join the Facebook group so you can have a non-judgment community to lean into. And, put yourself on the Waitlist for the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills program, so you start receiving the educational email series we created just for you.
If you enjoyed today’s episode or any of the other episodes, please share this podcast show with others. I would also be grateful if you’d rate the show and write a positive or inspiring review on iTunes so I know I’m meeting your needs. It means a lot to me to know your life is getting a little bit better every time we get together.
Be sure to check out the show notes for the many opportunities available to you as well as ways we can work together and stop your needless suffering. You will find real solutions to the challenges you are experiencing, and I would love to help you realize a new freedom, that is…if that’s of interest to you. Thanks for listening… Until the next time… Bye for now…
Resources referred to in this episode:
• Living Beyond ADHD Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/livingbeyondadhd
• AIA Executive Function Foundational Skills Program & Waitlist: https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/AIAWaitlist
• Free PDF - 13 Signs Weak Executive Functioning Is Holding You Back: https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/Executive-Function
Episode Resources:
- Put yourself on the informational Waitlist for the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills Program, so that you receive all the amazing emails we’ve written to both educate you about Executive Function skills as well as the details of the program; there is absolutely no obligation by being on the Waitlist. You’ll thank yourself for getting informed.
- Join the amazing Living Beyond ADHD Facebook Group & hang out with your peeps
- Follow me on Dr B Facebook Page and enjoy live videos and more
- Follow me on Instagram and enjoy relevant resources
To Help The Show:
Subscribe at your favorite listening spot and my podcast player has social media links (icons) in the episode player so you can share episodes you love with others!
Please rate the show and leave a thoughtful review on iTunes so I know you're benefiting from the episodes. The greater the number of reviews, the higher the ranking, and the easier it will be for others to find the show; people who also need this information.
Let's put an end to the worldwide needless suffering together! We can do this!
