Stop Quitting Before the Miracles Happen - 104
Jun 20, 2022There’s a difference between what you say you want and what you say you intend to have. One is “desire” and the other is “it will happen.” When we set our intention, we are willing to go to any lengths for it to happen. We are willing to become a better or upgraded version of ourselves; to take with us the best of who we are and leave the rest behind.
Are you willing to go to any lengths? I wasn’t 40 years ago and I learned in codependency recovery that I would need to be willing to go to any lengths so what I intended for myself would occur. Some 35+ years ago that meant eliminating everything non-essential from my life and focusing on my recovery from codependency or else I was going to die. I went from no recovery work to 9 meetings a week for my first year. I learned that half measures availed us nothing. Not half results, but nothing! No results! And that if I wanted to experience the miracles that recovery offers, I needed to be all in – 100%.
So, have you been “all in” on anything in your life?
This may have been the first significant time for me. Yes, I worked hard on other things in my lifetime but to dedicate myself with a powerful, intentional focus on healing from my codependent ways of living was a first for being all in.
What about you? Are you a quitter?
Developing your Executive Function Skills and shifting your limiting beliefs is the fastest and most effective way to overcome ADHD limitations, find focus, gain confidence, and a newfound freedom in your life!
My mission is to put an end to the worldwide needless suffering of adults with ADHD and those with under-developed Executive Function Skills - whether from ADHD, chronic depression or anxiety, trauma, addictions, or chronic illnesses. And, you don't need a formal diagnosis to know you need help developing these executive function skills in order to greatly reduce your suffering.
Full Episode Transcript
Stop Quitting Before the Miracles Happen – 104
There’s a difference between what you say you want and what you say you intend to have. One is “desire” and the other is “it will happen.” When we set our intention, we are willing to go to any lengths for it to happen. We are willing to become a better or upgraded version of ourselves; to take with us the best of who we are and leave the rest behind.
Are you willing to go to any lengths? I wasn’t 40 years ago and I learned in codependency recovery that I would need to be willing to go to any lengths so what I intended for myself would occur. Some 35+ years ago that meant eliminating everything non-essential from my life and focusing on my recovery from codependency or else I was going to die. I went from no recovery work to 9 meetings a week for my first year. I learned that half measures availed us nothing. Not half results, but nothing! No results! And that if I wanted to experience the miracles that recovery offers, I needed to be all in – 100%.
The recovery I am talking about is the recovery from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. I created an episode on that very topic, and if you haven’t listened, it’s episode 063.
So, have you been “all in” on anything in your life?
This may have been the first significant time for me. Yes, I worked hard on other things in my lifetime but to dedicate myself with a powerful, intentional focus on healing from my codependent ways of living was a first for being all in.
The second time I was all in and willing to go to any lengths for what I intended was with the development of my EF skills. Around 52 I experienced significant cognitive changes during peri-menopause and then menopause, and I felt like I had an alien brain. None of the strategies or skills I had previously developed were working for me. I was different and not in a good way. In a sense the bottom fell out, and I intended to rebuild my EF skills in a new way – methodically, intentionally and in such a way that they would change my life forever. And that is what I did. I stayed the course and didn’t quit on myself as I had with things in the past.
What about you? Are you a quitter?
Being a quitter won’t bring you success or happiness. Instead, it will bring you more disappointment, self-loathing, despair and a lot of regret. To get yourself to quit being a quitter, you need to understand your quitting habit. Yes, it’s a habit. And habits have cues or triggers. Task too difficult? Quit. Missing information about the task? Quit. Don’t feel like starting or finishing? Quit. Taking too long? Quit. These are only a few of the many reasons people quit.
Most people quit when they hit an obstacle. Years ago, I created a life rule for myself about closing all exits when I commit to something and go after it. No exits or escapes. And I keep my word to myself and honor the rule so I don’t quit. By not quitting, or even considering it, I keep myself in solution-oriented thinking. If I didn’t create this life rule and uphold it, I would have set myself up for failure. I would have given myself an out for everything that became difficult or deeply personal or humbling. When the heat gets turned up, I don’t turn and run because I eliminated that option for myself at the start.
How many of you quit when things get too difficult for you?
Is changing for the better something to bail on before you even get started? Are you someone who says you “really want” to change or “really need” to change? I know that many of you say that because these are some of the messages I receive when people put themselves on the Information List to learn about the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills program.
On the form I ask the question “Tell me about your EF challenges and WHY you need to change NOW.” Many of you share openly what’s going on in your life and why you need to change at this time. What’s interesting is that like you, I used to say that I needed to change and the reasons why but that didn’t motivate me to take action and change, and I see that with so many of you as well. Instead of “needing to change” we must “intend to change.” That implies that we will do what it takes to change ourselves from the inside out. This includes reading emails you receive that contain the information you requested about the program, since you said you needed help to make changes now. I get it. I’m not criticizing or picking on anyone; just talking about something I observe. It’s a real double bind that we reach out for help, take the time to complete the form and share our challenges so we will receive information about the help available to us, and then don’t read about or act on that information and hence we don’t get the help available to us. It’s a vicious cycle. And it happens frequently – with important and less important things.
Most people quit way too early. They won’t do the work. We have gotten used to wanting things to be easy or handed to us and life just isn’t like that. Jim Rohn said, “for things to change, you have to change”. He also said, “I can’t do your pushups for you; you have to do them to get the results”. We have to do the lifework to get the results; and as some of my students are sharing, not even all the lifework – you just need to be consistent in your engagement with the work, and even 15-minutes a day will give you miracles. How hard is 15 minutes a day?
You don’t have to wait for your miracles. They’re waiting for you. You can start right now.
Being a Gifted Underachiever is a tough way to live; believe me, I know. Tons of limiting beliefs. An identity that keeps you locked into the past. Are you afraid to do the work that will set you free and unlock the prison of your own making? Many of my students were afraid when they started, and they are doing the work in spite of their fears because of the enormous amount of support they receive from me and their fellow students. It’s good to know that others are also afraid and that they are stepping forward even while they are afraid. And, it’s amazing how the fears fade away when we do this.
You are 100% responsible for 100% of the outcomes in your life. I learned that if it’s to be, it’s up to me. I developed the willingness to go the distance; to do whatever it would take to reach my destination. Are you going to make it happen for you by setting you intention and allowing the process and structure of the program carry you to your amazing outcomes? Or, are you going to quit when you hit an obstacle? Obstacles aren’t so hard to move beyond if we don’t run away from them. If we study them, we can see a way around them and get through. However, this is when most people quit because they can’t figure it out right away. Things can be figured out if you don’t run.
Do you have the courage to be an Empowered Achiever?
Yes, the courage. Many adults want to be the Empowered Achiever but they don’t have the courage to face themselves as they are today and grow from there, wherever there is. So many adults are in a hurry and want to get quick fixes that don’t last.
As a Gifted Underachiever, we have accumulated a lot of disempowering stuff that we need to challenge and shed to make room for the empowering stuff we want to live with as an expression of our authentic self. If we didn’t have years and years of the disempowering stuff, we could just learn new skills and strategies and move on from there. However, to do so would be bringing in the new and laying it on top of the poisonous old stuff that would destroy our foundation for a successful, happy and healthy life.
Be intentional about what you bring into your life. Be 100% responsible for what you bring into your life. And, what if everything that is coming into your life is happening “for you” instead of “to you”? I found this concept challenging in the beginning until I accepted that the life lessons I have experienced, are what I needed in order to learn what I needed to learn. Everything is, always has been and always will be just fine. Things have a way of working out; not necessarily the way I planned or envisioned, however, they have worked themselves out.
Think back to a time in the past when you were doing something and you quit. You quit because you hit a wall or couldn’t figure it out; but you quit. If you had stayed 100% committed and responsible, you would have figured it out with or without the help of others. Being responsible is being response-able; able to respond. We are always able to respond in some way or another. Quitting is a response; it’s a response to stop and escape the situation. What we learn from allowing ourselves to have exits or escapes is that quitting puts an immediate end to the suffering that is self-inflicted. It doesn’t solve anything. We are suffering because what we choose as our solution is escape that results in regret. We live from circumstances, not commitments. When we live from commitments, we get things done even if they are challenging or difficult. No exits, excuses or escapes. We stay put and get it done. Excuses let us off the hook and feel better temporarily. After all, how could anyone expect us to do X when A, B and C happened? It wasn’t my fault – I’m not to blame; it was the fault of A, B and C. Not true. If we live from commitment, then even when the unexpected happens, we still keep our commitments even if the how we keep them changes a little bit. This is living an honorable and winning life.
And, speaking of a winning life, what’s it going to be for you today? You have shifted from “needing” to “intending”; that’s wonderful. You intend to be all in on whatever you commit to; that’s awesome. You stay focused on speaking positives to yourself so you can plant positive seeds for your mental garden; that’s fantastic! Each one of these WINS deserves your full-hearted celebrating! YES!!! WOW!!! AWESOME!!! I know you all have wins – big and small – and I am hopeful that you are celebrating them all every day.
How much time do we have? Not much. So, let’s get to it.
Are you too distracted to get help for yourself? Too distracted to make a commitment to yourself and follow through on it? Yes, there’s a bit of irony here with this.
Are you reinforcing yourself to stay stuck or trapped in your current situation? Are you focused on trying to figure out how to get unstuck and therefore being stuck is top of mind all the time? Have you ever focused on creating what you want instead of remodeling what you don’t want?
What did you grow up seeing about commitments and following through? What did you learn about yourself from your earlier years about your own ability to make a commitment and follow through? We often model what was modeled for us, and if that isn’t a successful strategy, then we won’t be successful with it either. Remember, for things to change, we have to change – change the strategies we use, change the way we think about things, change who we are from the inside out. And, all these changes don’t have to be any more difficult than you make them, because they really aren’t difficult. Every day I watch my students making these changes and reaping the benefits. I love to hear or read their delight in how they are able to change in such significant ways and what a difference it is making in their quality of life. I’d love for you to experience that as well.
Are you resourceful when you want something badly enough? Or, do you quit on yourself? Do you tell yourself that it just can’t happen for you? I hope you don’t. If something is important enough to you or me, we have to figure it out. Yes, there might be obstacles we encounter, but if it’s that important, we will find a way. And if it isn’t, we won’t. We will just do what we have done before, which is quit. When something was really important to me, and I knew it was what I needed, I had to change or elevate myself in whatever ways were necessary to get where I needed to be.
This happened when I was living in Seattle, Washington in the late 70’s. I moved there from California, was working in the construction industry, and then the bottom fell out of construction and our entire department was laid off. Not something I expected, and I decided that coming back to California would be best for me, but how?
I got resourceful. I made a list of all of the skills I had that I could put to use that would support me and create the revenue I needed to move back to California. There was no ego attached to anything on my list; it was just a means to my outcome. I had 2 best options and got busy with both. I started a sewing business that I named Sunshine Stitchery that made me think of sunny California, and I went to work for a woman who had a business cleaning custom homes. I was skilled in both and the hours integrated well to make it possible to do both, and within 6 months I had the funds to return to sunny California and start again. I got my outcome because I was willing to do what I needed to do; I was all in and intentional. I closed all exits and focused on what was in front of me so I could do the next right things.
What about you? Can you think of at least one situation where this was how you handled it? And did the experience and outcome mean so much more to you because of the intentional effort you put forth? I’d love to know and hope it did.
Do you have the life you want for yourself? Do you have the EF skills and strategies to step into that life for yourself? I am imagining that you don’t; especially if you submitted the Information List form to me. Years ago, I read a book entitled “Right Use of Will.” It wasn’t about willpower; it was about the use of your personal power. Most of you are unaware of how much personal power you actually have and because of that, you quit before the miracles happen for you. Once you learn how to tap into your personal power from within, your life changes forever. That is, if you choose to tap into your personal power and utilize it for your highest good.
Years ago, I watched a movie entitled “Music Within.” It’s based on the true story of Richard Pimentel, a brilliant public speaker with a troubled past, who returns from Vietnam deafened, and finds a new purpose in his landmark efforts on behalf of Americans with disabilities. He became an American disability rights advocate, and developed training materials aimed to help employers integrate persons with disabilities into the workplace. He changed the course of history.
If you want to release being the Gifted Underachiever to embrace being the Empowered Achiever, you have limiting beliefs to release, outdated identities to upgrade, pre-skills to learn and EF skills to develop. This is true whether your current status is due to ADHD, traumatic experiences, depression, anxiety, addictions, chronic illnesses or something else. This is a prison of your own making and only you can design and move into the life you desire. Others have done it and so can you, in as little as 15 minutes a day or more if you are enjoying the process, which I trust you will.
If you are waiting for the right time, it doesn’t exist. We make the right time rather than wait for it to arrive. Waiting leaves your life to chance, rather than intentional transformation.
Have you taken the first step in transformation, which is awareness? Awareness of the development of your EF skill? You can by claiming your free copy of “13 Signs Weak Executive Functioning Is Holding You Back” and then actually reading and scoring the PDF you receive. How did you do? 13 out of 13? 11 out of 13? 6 out of 13? I know how bad things are for you if you scored 13 out of 13 and even if you scored 6 out of 13, depending on which 6 and how critical they are to your day-to-day life.
The second step in your transformation is deciding what you want to do with your awareness. You can be aware and do nothing. Or, you can be aware and intend to change your life. This is your decision to make. If you are aware and do nothing, things will either stay somewhat the same or get worse. If you are aware and act on your intention to change your life, you will be amazed at how wonderful life can be. The decision is yours. And each day that you choose to stay where you are and the way you are is another day lost to you. Whether you want to start a business, build up the one you already have, pursue a promotion in your company, get married, start a family or organize your home to your satisfaction, you need these skills and strategies to succeed.
The third step in your transformation is to see your life with clarity so that the decisions you make are good decisions for you. And, that you know they are good decisions for you when you make them; not months or years down the line. Again, this is a skill you can develop. Perception is key to your outcomes and so are meanings. You are the meaning maker of your life and you decide what everything means. Nothing comes with a meaning; nothing. If justice is winning a legal battle and you are seeking justice, then you would need to win the legal battle to feel that justice was served. And if you don’t win, then you would feel that justice wasn’t served. Or, you could reframe your belief so that you don’t trap yourself into needing one outcome; and without it, you are stuck. We all create our own reality and our reality is based on our perception. Once you have the skills and strategies to do so, you have the power to change the meanings you have given to all of your experiences and let yourself out of your self-imposed prison.
No two people develop their EF skills the same way. I have come to know this over the years of training and coaching in the AIA-FS program. The skill is the same yet the approach is different depending on the needs of the person. This is why an abundant and timely support structure is so important.
One takeaway message I’d love you to get from this episode is that whether it’s ADHD or something else that has derailed the development of your EF skills, you need to develop your Executive Function skills, and the fastest, most effective way is to join a reputable training program with an expert coach and trainer.
You don’t know what you don’t know. If you want to really leap ahead to the next level of performance, you need to work with someone who has the knowledge, training, experience and “knowing” to provide the full package for your transformation.
If you’re dreaming of EF skills (and who doesn’t wish they were more organized and capable in their daily life?), perhaps now is the time to go beyond dreaming. If you want to develop better executive functioning in a proven training program that will elevate your skills quicker than any other, I encourage you to check out the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills Program.
It’s 7-months of incredibly effective, in-depth training and coaching that will empower you to turn your untapped gifts into your most valuable assets. You’ll finally have the opportunity to realize your potential because your limiting beliefs, outdated identities, missing pre-skills, and underdeveloped EF skills won’t be undermining your best efforts any more. You’ll be the one who can manage your time and responsibilities (at work and at home) with greater ease and a lot less chaos. And in case you are a show me kind of person, meaning you want proof, I’ve been gathering the proof for over 5 years now. As a previous international researcher, a part of me is data-driven and wants the proof to show that what we are doing is yielding the results I say are happening and that it’s not just an opinion. The data is solid and real transformation is happening. When you engage with the program, it changes you from the inside out.
Please slow down and become a student of your own life. Understand what you need to succeed with the multi-faceted brain you have. Take action on what you learn about yourself. This is the lifework that lies ahead for you if this is your time.
You came to this lifetime with an empowering gift, and I would love it if each and every person on this planet were able to express his or her unique, empowering gifts freely, without the threat of being shamed or criticized. Let’s put an end to that stigma once and for all and live as Empowered Achievers.
A Favorite Quote from the movie “Music Within”: Richard Pimentel said, “The differences you make, the ones of lasting importance, are the little differences you make in the life of another person.”
I love this quote because it resonates with my life purpose; to make a positive difference in the lives of at least a million people in my lifetime. That is happening because of my podcast show. When each of you share this show, you are helping me to achieve my life’s purpose as well as helping yourself and another person. Everyone wins and that’s a great way to live.
Want More Dr B?
· If you are seeking the transformation of your life that you never knew was possible for you, the time is now. The ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills program is open for enrollment until midnight June 23rd and the program officially starts on June 27th. You need these skills to succeed in life, and if you intend on succeeding, then you can get started right away!
https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/aia-open-enrollment
· My Signature Transformational Training and Coaching Program is designed to get you unstuck by training you to release your limiting beliefs and outdated identities, build a strong foundation of your pre-skills and develop your core EF life skills. You’ll be tapping into your subconscious mind so you can reach a new level of success in your life and free yourself from what’s been holding you back. This is an exclusive experience for those serious about transforming their life. Enrollment closes on the 23rd.
· Within 24-48 hours of your enrollment, you will receive your EF Assessment and be emailing me your 2-pages (max) typed “Getting to Know Me” information. I will review the results of your EF assessment in light of your 2-pages and record a personalized video for you, explaining the results of your EF assessment in light of your 2-pages of information.
· If you miss the deadline, be sure to get on the Executive Function Information List & AIA-FS Program Information: https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/AIA
· If you want a general sense of how underdeveloped your Executive Function Skills are, be sure to grab a copy of the Free PDF - 13 Signs Weak Executive Functioning Is Holding You Back: https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/Executive-Function
· You can join the Living Beyond ADHD Facebook Support Group for adult podcast listeners: https://www.facebook.com/groups/livingbeyondadhd
Be sure to answer the couple of questions asked of you so we can approve you into the group. Otherwise, we can’t. Thanks for understanding.
Subscribe & Review in Apple Podcasts If you found value in this episode, please leave me a review on Apple Podcasts! Our mission is to help as many people as possible transform their lives, and when you leave a positive review, more people can find this podcast! Just click here to review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and tell me what your favorite part of the podcast is.
Thank you!
If you are seriously ready to stop your needless suffering, I look forward to seeing you inside the program. Be sure to check out the show notes for the links and opportunities available to you. There are real solutions to the challenges you are experiencing, and they are available now.
Time is our most precious asset, and none of us have time to waste on solutions that don’t work. I would love to help you realize a new freedom, that is…if that’s of serious interest to you. Thanks for listening… Until the next time… Bye for now…
Episode Resources:
- First, get your copy of 13 Signs Weak Executive Functioning is Holding You Back: https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/Executive-Function
-
Next, find out what you can do to change this for yourself and how AIA-FS can help you: https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/aia-open-enrollment. We are in open enrollment now until June 23rd at midnight!
- Join the Living Beyond ADHD Facebook Group & hang out with your peeps
- Follow me on Dr B Facebook Page and enjoy live videos and more
- Follow me on Instagram and enjoy relevant resources
To Help The Show:
Subscribe at your favorite listening spot and my podcast player has social media links (icons) in the episode player so you can share episodes you love with others!
Please rate the show and leave a thoughtful review on iTunes so I know you're benefiting from the episodes. The greater the number of reviews, the higher the ranking, and the easier it will be for others to find the show; people who also need this information.
Let's put an end to the worldwide needless suffering together! We can do this!
