What If We’re Doing It All Backwards and Wrong - 105
Jul 06, 2022What if we're doing it all backwards and wrong?
People start identifying that they have ADHD and they want to fix it. Or people start identifying they have underdeveloped executive function skills and they want to fix it. And everything is oriented towards fixing something that's deemed to be broken.
But what if it's not broken? What if what we're identifying is the cause; the underlying cause? And let's say it's underdeveloped executive function skills. The effect is everything we're seeing in life – all the challenges and chaos.
Developing your Executive Function Skills and shifting your limiting beliefs is the fastest and most effective way to overcome ADHD limitations, find focus, gain confidence, and a newfound freedom in your life!
My mission is to put an end to the worldwide needless suffering of adults with ADHD and those with under-developed Executive Function Skills - whether from ADHD, chronic depression or anxiety, trauma, addictions, or chronic illnesses. And, you don't need a formal diagnosis to know you need help developing these executive function skills in order to greatly reduce your suffering.
Full Episode Transcript
What If We’re Doing It All Backwards and Wrong – 105
What if we're doing it all backwards and wrong?
People start identifying that they have ADHD and they want to fix it. Or people start identifying they have underdeveloped executive function skills and they want to fix it. And everything is oriented towards fixing something that's deemed to be broken.
But what if it's not broken? What if what we're identifying is the cause; the underlying cause? And let's say it's underdeveloped executive function skills. The effect is everything we're seeing in life – all the challenges and chaos.
Now, we could take the approach that most people take, which is let's fix it. Let's go get ADHD coaching. And let's figure out how to fix the problems. But what if we take a completely novel approach and not go after fixing anything, and not start thinking we're broken? Let’s not assign a massively negative meaning of being defective or less than or broken to all these things that we don't have, but instead, let’s reframe the situation and give it an empowering meaning.
What if the meaning we choose is that we get born with this configured brain, and we will need certain challenges in order to develop into the person we are intended to be - We will need to develop compassion, perspective, patience, persistence, self-love and self-integrity; we will need to learn to slow down before we speed up so we can develop everything we need for a successful journey through life. We have gifts and came to this life to be someone who lives a great life. And a “great life” can mean so many different things to different people. It can mean you’re raising a family. That’s an amazing opportunity. Perhaps you are starting a movement or a business or running a business or inventing something or working at a job – something you do really well. There are so many different reasons that we come to this lifetime with the gifts that we do.
And, we all need lessons. We all need lessons and what if the lessons aren't just the challenges of an ADHD configured brain or an underdeveloped executive function brain? But what if the challenges are that the reason that we come this way is because we need to learn certain things about giving our word and keeping our word, about being willing to go the distance, to persevere, to be on fire about something. What about coming to understand what it means to be a “gifted adult” – and I’m not talking about IQ. So many different reasons that we may need to learn certain lessons, so we can be excited about what we're going to be in our lifetime and be doing with our life, instead of forcing yourself to be excited about fixing problems. Is fixing problems sustainable excitement for you?
What about an alternative reality that I’ve discovered which is that many of us have grown up with an outdated identity of who we think we are, and it isn’t true.
We've also grown up with many limiting beliefs that we get from society and all the other places, our families of origin, where we are indoctrinated with all this limiting stuff, and what if it's those outdated identities and limiting beliefs that are keeping us from our successful life, and we don’t need to fix those either.
Instead, we need to decide on what beliefs we want to have, need to have, desire to have, that are linked to the success we want. What do we need to believe? We probably need or want to believe that we can change. We want to believe that we are unstoppable. We want to believe so many positive, empowering things. That's what we want. Because that is truly how we go from being the Gifted Underachiever to the Empowered Achiever. We go straight there in our mind. Who are we as the Empowered Achiever? What do we believe? What do we think? Who are we being and what are we doing within the Empowered Achiever identity?
Those are the things that are important for us to decide on. We need to go after what we want, instead of constantly returning to what we don’t want and think we need to fix. Will what we fix, if we can fix it, ever be as great as what we can create for ourselves? Life is about becoming and being and living life full out. That's what it's about.
So, yes, the program that I created, was never intended to fix anybody. And yes, I'm trained as a licensed psychotherapist in the State of California, for over 30 years now, and yes, I got training as an ADHD coach around the same time. But when I was reflecting this morning, when I was thinking about a new episode, and I was thinking, what if people think I do ADHD coaching in my program? It's not what I do, because it’s not a coaching program. And what if people think I do therapy? It's not what I do, because it's not a therapy program.
What I do, in the many ways that I do so, is help you become the person that you want to become, need to become, aspire to become, and step into that identity. Because, as the Empowered Achiever, you do have all the Executive Function Skills that you need, and you have all the pre-skills that you need. You've done away with many of your Limiting Beliefs and know how to release them. You have chosen a new and updated Identity that says this is you – the you you've always wanted to be. And the goal of the program is to learn to be that - to have lessons, challenges, lifework, different things presented to you - that their purpose is to help facilitate you becoming that person. Then what? You live as the Empowered Achiever being the person and doing the things you envisioned for yourself. Is there a newfound excitement? A newfound internal motivation?
And if you have a limiting belief that says that's pie in the sky and you can't possibly be or become that person, think again, put on my lens. Think again. Because the person I am today is not the person that I was born as. I don't even go by the same name. The name I was given when I was born is not the name that I go by today. Today my name is Dr B. It’s affectionate, respectful, indicates my education, and it's loving and kind. It's all the things that I stand for. Dr B, that's my name.
And what else… who I was born as, who I was in my teens, who I was in my 20s, my 30s, my 40s, my 50s, and even my 60s, is not who I am today. Not at all. Because now at 71, I feel like I've come into my power. I feel like I've come home to myself. I realize my purpose. I realized what I came here to do for me through the mentors that I've had in my life and continue to have, and to mentor all of you to have the same transformational journey that I've been on.
And I'll continue to be on, because I used to think there was a limit to how well-developed my skills could get. I am in awe of my ability to do things that I never imagined I'd be able to do. I thought there was a limit. And I've learned that I'm not finding the limit.
I've gotten bolder; more direct, more clear, more confident because I'm more competent. I've gotten to be so much more than I even was at the beginning of my 60s and here I am at the beginning of my 70s, and I feel like I'm on fire. And I'm ready. I'm ready to do what I'm deeply called to do. I've been doing it for me. I've been doing it with my students over the last 5+ years. And it's getting to be a deeper and more profound experience with every group of students because of my own personal growth. And I will always add whatever I feel is needed to the program, but make no mistake, I no longer think of myself as an ADHD coach, because I'm not, and therefore, my program is not an ADHD coaching program… it’s a transformational journey of a lifetime and unique to every student I work with.
How I see people, how I see you, Golden Buddha your essence, your human beingness, and your stuff, human doing. And so, to me, your essence, your Golden Buddhaness, that is 100%, 1,000% every single day. That is where your self-esteem and your self-value need to come from; who you're being, who you're becoming, and who you're being every single day of your life. That's your value.
What you do with who you are being is up to you. Like I said at the beginning, whether you're raising a family, contributing to the next generation, starting a business, serving people, working at a company or you've started your own, whether you're writing, acting, or creating in your own ways, whatever gifts you’ve brought, that you've been given for this lifetime, that's the you that will be doing, what it is that you do with who you're being. And so, in order to do the things that we all want to do, we need to be the person who can do them. It’s an inside job.
Maybe the totality of you doesn't feel like you can do it. However, when we're working with identities, at least when I'm working with identities, I have many identities. I think of my physical form as a timeshare and this timeshare, my physical body for this lifetime, needs to allot time for each of the different aspects of me; identities, parts, however you want to look at it.
There's an identity of mine that does the cooking. Her name is Cookie. She has an apron. She has a beautiful new stove that she's had for about 3½ years now. It's gorgeous. She has all the wonderful pots and pans that she loves working with and she cooks the food, the amazing food that I eat. I go to the refrigerator every single week after Cookie’s done cooking over the weekend, and I see all the healthy food in the beautiful clear-glass Pyrex; all the food she's made for me.
Stir-fried vegetables, beautiful protein, nice pieces of fruit waiting for me, washed and ready to go. Anything that she knows that I love, and is good for me, is there every week.
And mind you, Dr B, and before I was Dr B, was never interested in cooking. Never. My mother did her best when I was a kid and growing up to get me into the kitchen to cook but I wasn't interested; not a chance. And as I got older and considered learning to cook, it didn't make sense. Recipes didn't make sense. A lot of things didn't make sense to me. So, what I did for cooking, which I wouldn't even call cooking today, is I ate a lot of microwave cooked meals, not the package kind, but the things that I made I just put in the microwave and I cooked them there. That was the scope of my cooking. That continued until Cookie was born. And I realized that I, Dr B, do not need to learn to cook because it doesn't interest me. But there is a part or aspect or an identity which is Cookie, that loves to cook. Food makes sense to her. Recipes make sense to her. But actually, she does her cooking intuitively and puts meals together that are amazing.
Cookie isn't the only identity or part of me that does things for me. Anything that needs to be done has been delegated to a part, an identity that was born, that was intentionally created to do all those things that are specialty tasks, and Dr B does what she is extraordinary at and loves doing, which is working with people to help them to transform their life and to be that Golden Buddha essence and upgrade your identity or maybe create different ones like I did in addition to Dr B, so that you round out the needs that you have.
It's what I want for you, if that’s what you want for you. It's what I came to this lifetime to do. And my vision just keeps getting more and more clear and more and more refined as to what my purpose and mission are, why I'm here, who I am to be, what I am to be doing, and what I'm to continue to learn and understand to take you the distance; each and every one of you.
I've studied many healing modalities over the years, such as Neuro-Linguistic Psychology, Hypnotherapy, Massage, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Somato-Emotional Release Work, Spiritual Healing, and Spontaneous Remission. I wrote my dissertation on The Healer Within, because I've always had my own ideas about healing and transformation. And what I’m learning in my newer studies, is helping me to see healing in a an even deeper and more profound way. So, when you're ready to take that journey, if that's of interest to you, I'll be ready to take you the distance in Next Level, and for now, I am a student of my own life. I am a student of your life, all of you. I learn from you. I grow because of you.
I continue to challenge myself to learn new things, to learn new ways, new perspectives, new tools, new skills, like I realized I always have; keep adding to my toolbox because I never know what tool or skill or strategy someone is going to need. And I needed so many different ones for me, and I want to have them for you.
If you’ve been listening to my show for some time, you know that I talk about you as the “human being” rather than the “human doing” a lot, because it bears repeating in every episode. You are a precious child of the universe; and are called a “human being” not a “human doing” for good reason. You don’t have to earn your value; you were born with it. Your value comes from “who” you are “being”; not what you are doing, which means that you can wake up every day with your value solid at 100%. Imagine how awesome your life will be when you are living this idea every day of your life, not just listening to me share it with you. It’s a great win.
And speaking of wins, what’s it going to be for you today? You’re committed to living your live with your value coming from your being vs. doing; that fantastic! You’ve decided to stop thinking in terms of fixing yourself because you’re not broken; that’s such a gift to yourself. You will decide who you want to be and live that full out; good for you! Express yourself fully because each one of these WINS deserves your full-hearted celebrating! YES!!! FANTASTIC!!! YOU’RE AMAZING! I know you all have wins – big and small – and I am hopeful that you are each celebrating them all every day.
How much time do we have? Not much. So, let’s get to it.
I want to circle back around to an exercise I gave you in a previous episode. I shared 6 important concepts with you that radically changed my life and has changed the lives of my students, when they have embraced these concepts. I’m curious if you decided to embrace any or all of these 6 concepts and have woven them into your life. Recapping, they are:
Stand for something every day (so you can be that person each day)
Clarify goals (so you have a direction for your days)
Daily consistency (so you build the consistency habit)
Be willing to go to any lengths to achieve goal (so you stay until the win)
Keep word to self (so you build honor and self-respect with yourself)
Personal time for reflection (so you enjoy a loving relationship with self)
I’d love to read a review post from you sharing that you’ve embraced these 6 concepts and how they are transforming your life.
And, another follow-up question - have you gotten your free PDF, “13 Signs Weak Executive Functioning Is Holding You Back” and actually read the PDF and scored yourself? If yes, that’s great! If no, and you are seriously committed to improving the quality of your life, you want to take action and follow through so your mind registers that you are in alignment with your words. Otherwise, what you say is not what you do and your mind will eventually stop believing you. And, if you relate to being a Gifted Underachiever, even an 8 out of 13 is enough to hold you back from greater success in your life.
If you've been following me on my podcast, or on my website, or you’re on the Information List and have been receiving emails from me about the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills program, it might have sounded like it’s just another program - an ADHD program, a coaching program and no difference between my program and others you’ve seen around. You may have wondered why the heck it’s priced as it is. You may have wondered why the heck it’s a 7-month program. And, you may have dismissed it – even though you opened the emails about the program and are definitely seeking the help you wrote me about.
Let me clarify, because it isn't like any other program. It definitely not a course; when I think of a course, I think of something small that is part of something bigger. It isn't an ADHD coaching program because I don’t think of myself as an ADHD coach anymore and I don’t teach band-aids or add-ons. So, what is it?
It’s a unique, one-of-a-kind, transformational program born out of my own transformational journey so that you Gifted Underachievers who want to be who you want to be, to have what it is that you want to have in your life can get there as I have. It’s a program journey that will change you from the inside out. You will learn to travel light and take with you the best and leave the rest behind.
As Jim Rohn said, “for things to change, you have to change” and so in our very first live training of the program, I talk about Limiting Beliefs and Outdated Identities. You already know what many of them are and might be concerned that you will get depressed if you share them and make them real. Not to worry. You won’t be sitting with the negative for long because you will be getting coached to start the transformation of them the same day or two after you post them in our private community forum (not Facebook). And, there’s more. We have a coaching call the following week and will be talking about more completely releasing those Limiting Beliefs as well as upgrading your old Identity so it’s current and relevant to who you want to be and the life you want for yourself now.
So, in the first lifework assignment, you tease out everything that's been limiting you because you need to clean out the wounds. You get coached in writing to start transforming all of this and gain a new perspective. And then on our live coaching calls, we go deeper and get you unstuck if you are stuck. You get to choose your life. No one gets to choose for you. Certainly not me. You get to be who you're gonna choose to be in this lifetime. It's your lifetime. It's your choice. You can choose to be empowered and achieve or choose to be disempowered and a victim. Thinking of yourself as a victim and being a victim won’t get you an amazing life; just my opinion. Unfortunate things may have happened in your lifetime, and that is different than casting yourself in the role of victim and eliminating your personal power and choices. If there is something you want for yourself – want to be and want to do, what got you to this place in your life won’t get you to the next level of life. You’ll need to take a stand for what you want to be and lean into that.
Come work with me to make that manifest, if that’s of interest to you. In the Foundational Skills program, we get started with limiting beliefs and outdated identities, we touch on codependency and other limiting ways of being, we build a solid foundation of pre-skills on which to build your EF skills, and in Next Level, your skills are developed enough so we are able to take a deeper dive into your identity and beliefs, as well as healing your codependency, grief and little traumas. It would be impossible to go deep in the foundation program when there are so many building blocks and foundational skills to being who you choose to be. I would be doing you a huge disservice if I didn't make sure to help you to build this strong foundation. That's why it's foundational skills. And that's why I created Next Level so that you can continue the development of your advanced identity and adopt more empowering beliefs as you see fit.
And if you have issues with codependency, which many of my students learn that they do, it means that you don't have a loving and caring relationship with yourself first and foremost, that you take care of the needs of others first – at the expense of yourself. It's not going to be a sustainable life for you or a good life. Even on airplanes they tell us to put on our own oxygen mask first before we help others. Why? Because if you don't, you’re dead; and if you can't breathe, you can't help others. So, if you don't take care of your needs first, every single day of your life, how are you really going to help others? You have nothing to give when your tank is empty if you don’t give to yourself first.
I learned this years ago, and so the first three hours of every single day of my life is for me. I have a lifetime debt to pay back to myself, and I am happy to give this time to myself. I'm not saying you need to have three hours. What I am saying is you do need time to fill up your own tank first, before you start giving your energy to others. This way, you can be free to give to others because you’ve given to yourself first and met your needs. And if it isn't appropriate to give, then the answer needs to be no, not yes. Otherwise, that's people pleasing.
You need to know your values, and we get into that too. If you don't know your values, you can look at your life and see what you value because that's where you're spending your time. And if those aren't your values, and the values that you say are your values are different, but we don't see it in your life, those are yours “aspired to values” - but they're not your current values. And it's very humbling to know that so you can actually value what you say you value.
I know my values and live according to my values. I make values-driven decisions because if my decisions aren't in alignment with my values, then they're not good decisions for me.
So, if you want the freedom I have, the kind of freedom and joy of waking up every single day feeling fully alive and free to live your day to the fullest… If you want what I have, I want that for you too.
It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. A 7-month, incredibly effective, in-depth transformational program that will empower you to turn your untapped gifts into your most valuable assets. You’ll finally have the opportunity to realize your potential because your limiting beliefs, outdated identities, missing pre-skills, and underdeveloped EF skills won’t be undermining your best efforts any more. You’ll be the one who can manage your time and responsibilities (at work and at home) with greater ease and a lot less chaos. And in case you are a show me kind of person, meaning you want proof, I’ve been gathering the proof for 5 years now. As a previous international researcher, a part of me is data-driven and wants the proof to show that what we are doing is yielding the results I say are happening and that it’s not just an opinion. The data is solid and real transformation is happening. When you engage with the program, it changes you from the inside out.
So, be sure to find your way to the Information List; link is in the show notes. That way, you’ll be able to prepare for the next open enrollment and know that your transformation is coming soon. I would be honored to work with you and take you on the journey I have created for you to have what I have, according to what it looks like for you… that’s is, if that’s of interest to you.
And for now, please slow down and become a student of your own life. Understand what you need to succeed with the multi-faceted brain you have. Take action on what you learn about yourself. This is the lifework that lies ahead for you if this is your time.
You came to this lifetime with an empowering gift, and I would love it if each and every person on this planet were able to express his or her unique, empowering gifts freely, without the threat of being shamed or criticized. Let’s put an end to that stigma once and for all and live as Empowered Achievers.
A Favorite Quote: John Wooden said, “If we magnified blessings as much as we magnify disappointments, we would all be much happier.”
I love this quote because it speaks to the idea of blessings, which are wins. Every moment of life is filled with the opportunity to notice our blessings and celebrate them. And when you make it a daily practice to notice and magnify your blessings and wins, you will truly be living a blessed life.
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If you are seriously ready to stop devaluing yourself with your negative self-talk about being broken and needing fixing, and trade it in for focusing your time, effort and energy on giving birth to the Empowered Achiever you want to be and the life you want to live, get on the Information List today to be the first notified about what’s coming soon. There are real solutions to achieve the life you want for yourself, if you make yourself available for them. Time is our most precious asset, and none of us have time to waste on solutions that don’t work. I would love to help you realize a new freedom, that is…if that’s of interest to you. Thanks for listening… Until the next time… Bye for now…
· Executive Function Information List & AIA-FS Program Information: https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/AIA
· Free PDF - 13 Signs Weak Executive Functioning Is Holding You Back: https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/Executive-Function
· Living Beyond ADHD Facebook Support Group for podcast listeners: https://www.facebook.com/groups/livingbeyondadhd
Episode Resources:
- First, get your copy of 13 Signs Weak Executive Functioning is Holding You Back: https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/Executive-Function
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Next, find out what you can do to change this for yourself and how AIA-FS can help you: https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/AIA
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Let's put an end to the worldwide needless suffering together! We can do this!
