What's Keeping You Stuck - 082
Feb 17, 2021Jim Rohn said - "For things to change, you have to change."
It seems very obvious when you think about it, for things to change, you have to change. I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately. And it's taken on a much deeper meaning for me, because he didn't say, for things to change, you have to change things. What he said is for things to change, you have to change. I understand now that means that I have to change in whatever ways are necessary for things to change for me, whatever those things are; and if I don't change, which is an inside job, then things in the outside world are not going to change for me. So, for things to change, you have to change.
In this episode Dr B talks about:
- Common limiting beliefs
- Counter-examples to limiting beliefs
- Upgrading your identity or sense of self
- The importance of celebrating your wins
- Enrollment opening in March for the ADDventures in Achievement Foundational Skills program
Developing your Executive Function Skills and shifting your limiting beliefs is the fastest and most effective way to overcome ADHD limitations, find focus, gain confidence, and newfound freedom in your life!
My mission is to put an end to the worldwide needless suffering of adults with ADHD and those with under-developed Executive Function Skills - whether from ADHD, chronic depression or anxiety, trauma, addictions, or chronic illnesses. And, you don't need a formal diagnosis to know you need help developing these executive function skills in order to greatly reduce your suffering.
Full Episode Transcript
What's Keeping You Stuck?
In the 1980s, I had the privilege of studying with Jim Rohn. One of the things that I remember him saying back then has become one of his most famous quotes, "For things to change, you have to Change."
It seems very obvious when you think about it, for things to change, you have to change. I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately. And it's taken on a much deeper meaning for me, because he didn't say, for things to change, you have to change things. What he said is for things to change, you have to change. I understand now that means that I have to change in whatever ways are necessary for things to change for me, whatever those things are; and if I don't change, which is an inside job, then things in the outside world are not going to change for me. So, for things to change, you have to change.
Welcome to the Living Beyond ADHD podcast. If you're looking for a fresh perspective, and actionable steps on hot topics, from focus to follow through to self-management, and more, you are in the right place. Welcome your host, innovative educator, coach and psychotherapist, DrB B.
Certainly, through most of my life, I would set goals or say things that I wanted to be different. But I never considered how I would need to change, and who I would need to become for those changes to actually happen. Because the changes can't happen within the old me. If they could have, they would have. Instead, the changes belong to the new me, they belong to the me that changed. And in the new me that changed, all kinds of things can become a part of my life and change for me; but not with the old me. So, if I stay the same, and be the same me that I was years and years and years ago with the same habits and the same people in my life, with the same way of thinking, and the same way of doing, with the same limited beliefs... If I want to keep all that old stuff, then the new me cannot emerge.
The new me is what's going to contain all of the new changes that I continually have said that I want. And the same thing is true for you. If you want the changes, if I want the changes that I say that I want, I need to create and move into an upgraded version of me. I need to be that person starting now. Starting today. And I do this by keeping the best of who I am, and then upgrading the rest. Another way of saying it comes from a song that a friend of mine wrote years ago called "Travel Light" - he said, “take with you the best and leave the rest behind.” And when I was making this transformation in my own life, I followed that advice. I travelled light. I took with me the best, and I left the rest behind. And then I started adding in new skills, new beliefs, new ways of behaving, and a new sense of me; who and how I had decided to be and that is the person I have continued to grow into “being" over the years.
This is the journey, if you want your life to be different. If you want changes, you need to change. You need to become, need to be the person who can have those changes in an ongoing way. Got it? Great!
So, what's keeping you stuck?
I hear so many people say they feel stuck. And then being stuck is seen as the problem instead of what is causing them to feel or be stuck because stuck as a symptom.
We are as limited as we make up our minds to be. It's true. I'm not talking about whether or not we can fly like Jonathan Livingston Seagull. I'm talking about whether or not we can complete a task or get up out of bed and get going for the day, or keep our word or plan, schedule and prioritize what needs doing. If you're feeling stuck, there are solutions for you in this episode.
A recent assignment I gave my students was to post their limiting beliefs and then come up with counter examples or exceptions to those limiting beliefs. What was clear from their answers was that their limiting beliefs and underdeveloped executive funds skills were both holding them back. And since both can be shifted and developed, I was really excited that we had teased out some very core issues. by their very nature, beliefs aren't personal to any given person, no matter who has a limiting belief, if they believe they can, or believe they can't. They're right. beliefs always have an exception. That's what makes them a belief and not fact. example, if I were to say that I believe that it's too late for me to gain control over my focus in my emotions. And then I asked 100 people, if they also believe that it was too late for them to gain control over their focus and their emotions, not everyone would agree. If I asked 100 people if the sun rises in the east, and it sets in the west every day, the answer would be a unanimous Yes, because this is a fact, not a belief.
I want to help you to move from stuck to unstoppable or even neutral through the development of your executive function skills. Because if there was ever a time that you needed the skills, so that you can navigate the ever-changing world successfully, now is that time.
If you aren't yet a member of my Facebook group, Living Beyond ADHD, I highly recommend that you get over there and ask to join. When you do be sure that you answer the few questions that are asked including the question about the group rules, we have rules so that the group is a safe space free of judgment. And a place where you can show up and interact with like-minded adults, you can laugh a little, learn a little and most of all, be connected to a positive energy community.
I also go live in that group every two weeks, and I answer questions that are posed by group members. It's definitely worth joining us. And if you want to start developing your executive function skills, I have lots of resources available on my website, including the opportunity for you to get on the waitlist for the march adventures and achievement open enrollment. There's an email sequence going out now to everyone on that waitlist with information about executive function skills, and ways that you can start to develop yours. So, join the Facebook group for community and learning and visit my website to get on the waitlist. To learn about upcoming executive function skills development opportunities, you won't want to miss either of these opportunities.
For those of you who have been longtime listeners, you know that I'm big on wins and their importance in your life. There's another important aspect to focusing on wins. And that is that you are training your mind every day to notice what's right with you, right with what you're doing right in the world. In other words, wins. And especially during a time in our world history, where it would be so easy to ignore what's right or good or amazing. This is exactly what we need to be focusing on to keep the level of positives within each of us high so that it can offset the high level of negatives that we're bombarded with every single day.
Having a wins mindset will transform how you experience your life during these challenging times like now, how you experience your life and the meaning that you give to the events of your life contribute greatly to the quality of your life. We don't always have control over the events or experiences However, we do have control over the meaning that we give them. You know from listening to other episodes that what you focus on grows, and that it's important to stand guard at the doorway to your mind and not let in things that don't serve you. So why focus on anything but wins. That way you will continue to attract more and more wins into your life, all leading you to the state of mind and life that you want.
You are a precious child of God and of the universe. And you are called a human being not a human doing for a good reason. You do not have to earn your value. You were born with it. Your value comes from who you are, not what you do. And if you need a place to know that's true. Be sure to join the Facebook group living beyond ADHD so that you can be with others who will celebrate your wins with you. and affirm that you are more than okay as you, the human being.
So, what's it going to be for you today? If you got up today with specific intentions for your day, and follow through on all of them, that's an awesome win. If you decided to declutter and organize one small area of your living space, and then maintain that space, that's a great win. And if you decided to develop a loving relationship with yourself, and actually receive the love and compassion that you're offering to yourself, that's a huge win. You get the point. Celebrate all of them. And none of this halfhearted celebrating. You've got to mean it. You've got to exaggerate your emotions. Yes. Wow. Awesome. Be sure to celebrate your wins big and small, because celebrating daily builds consistency and makes a faster difference in your life.
How much time do we have? Not much. So, let's get to it.
Many of you have taken on your limiting beliefs as a result of your past experiences, and what others have repeatedly said to you about you.
Let's look at seven common limiting beliefs and how you can start to bust them.
1. I can't ever complete tasks.
2. I don't have enough time.
3. I will always live a life of chaos and clutter.
4. This is as good as it gets; this is as good as my life is going to get.
5. I don't know myself, or what I want.
6. Things are going to work out for me; no, they're not, they never do.
7. I break my promises to myself and to others all the time.
The first thing to understand about all seven of these statements is that they are literally instructions that you're giving to your mind telling you what your life is going to be. And then you just follow those instructions. And that's what your life is, you have literally programmed your mind to give you that life. And it's not even the life you really want. Remember, the programming of your mind isn't personal. If you say it's true for you, then it's true for you, even if it's not true for hundreds of other people.
So, let's get to busting these beliefs.
Let's bust this first belief: I can't ever complete tasks. The word ever is often used as it is in this case. And it implies that there's no exceptions. So, once you to get curious, and think of a time in your life, when you did complete a task, any task where this belief isn't true.
For example, you completed the task of brushing your teeth or getting dressed or putting gasoline in your vehicle. If you've completed these tasks, then the belief I can't ever complete tasks isn't true. And then you go deeper, looking at how you've been able to complete the tasks that you've completed. Perhaps it's because you knew exactly what to do when you brushed your teeth, or got dressed or put gasoline in your vehicle. And when you don't complete tasks, it's because you don't know exactly what to do with the task starting continuing or finishing it up. Once you can see that the belief is false. And what's really true is that when you don't have all the information, you need to start and finish the tasks, you don't complete your tasks. Now you have something to work with. You need to get the information that you're missing. So, you can start and finish your tasks, all of them.
Bustinq the second belief: I don't have enough time. The word enough is often used as it is in this case, implying there just aren't enough hours in the day for you to get things done. So again, get curious and think about a time when you did have enough time. In fact, plenty of time. What was different about that situation?
For example, you were able to complete all of your tasks and errands for a day and even had time for yourself and others in your life. It was an amazing day, and you were so happy that day. Remember that day, study that day, and learn how you were able to have such an amazing day. So, you can have more of them.
Bustinq the third belief: I will always live a life of chaos and clutter. The word always implies no exception, which is not the case. Again, get curious and think about a time when you lived in peace, and you were clutter free. Even if it was a brief moment in time, what was different about that situation from how you live now?
For example, you were able to live clutter free and in peace when you were single. And when you got married and had kids, all of that went away. And it's like you never lived any other way except in chaos and clutter. Except that's not true. Become a student of your own life and look at what changed in you, rather than what changed in your life. How did you start to think in ways that resulted in creating a cluttered and chaotic life for yourself and others? See if you can remember how you used to think when your life was clutter free and peaceful. Remember, what's happening in your outside life is the result of what changed on the inside, in you.
Bustinq the fourth belief: this is as good as life is going to get. To me this implies that this is the very best moment in your life. No better moments have existed. Is this really true? Or can you think of exceptions where your life was really good, as various times in the past, it just hasn't been that good in a long time. For example, look back over your life and find moments of happiness, or goodness, a birthday party you attended as a child, if you did a movie, you saw that you really enjoyed a conversation with a friend perhaps sharing a meal together, when the time just flew by, and you were both so connected and Happy to be together. Again, these moments or memories may be few and far between. However, when you find even one experience that was good in your past, it means that the belief that this is as good as life is going to get is false.
Bustinq the fifth belief: I don't know myself or what I want. You may know what everybody else wants, because you focused on pleasing others and making this your goal. This is part of codependency. And as a result, you end up knowing lots of things about others and perhaps nothing about yourself, nothing about your wants or your needs, and perhaps feeling like you're a stranger to yourself.
For example, you could start by making a list of everything that you know isn't true about you. And use very concrete things like you are not six feet tall, if you aren't, or you are not blond, if you aren't. And once you get enough of these things that you aren't, you will flow into continuing on with those things that you are such as kind, loyal, funny, smart, and so on. And I really want you to own the good about you because it's true.
Busting the sixth belief: Things aren't going to work out for me; they never do. As you look back over your life, I bet you could show me so many times that things didn't work out for you. And so, you've used those times to validate this belief that they never will. However, since there are always exceptions to a belief, I suggest that you look back over your life again, and find those exceptions when things did work out for you, because they're there, if you really look.
For example, even the things that you might say were bad experiences might have led you to a good outcome, which then led you to another good outcome and eventually led you to things working out better for you, then you could ever have imagined. Do you have at least one of those stories or experiences?
Busting the seventh belief: I break my word to myself and others all the time. Again, all the time implies that you have never kept your word to yourself or others.
Example, can you recall a time when you kept your word to yourself and or to another person? could be you said that you would eat and you ate could be that you said you would sleep and you slapped? Could be that you said you would meet a friend for coffee and you showed up relatively on time. All of these are exceptions to the belief that you break your word all the time. You would do better to reframe this statement, if you relate to it and say, I break my word to myself or to others when I'm scared to follow through, or when I don't know how to do what I said I would do. That is a very specific time when you break your word, with a reason identified, and therefore it can be worked out and resolved. The global statement of breaking your word all the time isn't true. Because there are exceptions and leaves you with nothing specific to work on this the real issue.
The reasons I'm talking about limiting beliefs is because you can run your life into the ground, if you don't shift them into beliefs that support you. How many of these limiting beliefs do you relate to probably lots of them? And what are those limiting beliefs costing you? Are they stopping you from making new friends? Pursuing a new career? Moving to a new location? Getting the help and support you need for yourself? What is the cost? What is it costing you?
Remember, these limiting beliefs always have exceptions to them. We just need to look. And just because you've been indoctrinated with these beliefs, and you've lived with them for your entire lifetime, if you have, it doesn't mean that you need to keep them. If you agree that they no longer serve you they are hurting you.
I've mentioned this in another episode and it bears repeating. Gandhi said, "Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny."
Are your beliefs leading you to the destiny that is best for you? And if not, is today the day you bust your limiting beliefs wide open and you choose new empowering beliefs that are in line with your heartfelt destiny?
Are you going to commit to transforming one limiting belief every day, or week or month? Starting today? So that your life starts to get better for you, with each limiting belief that you shed and replace with an empowering one?
And who will you be without those limiting beliefs? If you've lived with them for so long, you might feel a loyalty them to them and feel strange about the idea of releasing them or transforming them into empowering beliefs. And if this is your experience, consider what is it that it's doing for you to keep your limiting beliefs? Is it validating your belief that you're a victim, or another limiting belief that I didn't mention in today's episode?
I want you all to know that there is real hope for resolving the challenges that you're experiencing with limiting beliefs and underdeveloped executive function skills.
The widespread needless suffering of millions of adults around the world has to stop. And I'm doing what I can do to stop it with this generation with us. We all need to address our limiting beliefs and our underdeveloped executive function skills. If we want to live the life that's possible for us with those change. We have to be the person who lives the life we say we want not struggle to live the life we say we want, so that we can become the person someday who has that life. It's Backwards.
We all need empowering beliefs and well-developed executive function skills to thrive as adults in today's world. Because if we can't plan, organize, prioritize, get started and keep going until the end. If we can't regulate states of overwhelm, and stopped the analysis paralysis so that we can more easily make good decisions and know they're good decisions. It's going to cost us dearly.
Please slow down and become a student of your own life. Understand what you need to succeed with a multifaceted brain that you have. Take action on what you learn about yourself. This is the life work that lies ahead for you, if this is your time.
You came to this lifetime with an empowering gift. And I would love it if each and every person on this planet was able to express his or her unique empowering gifts freely without the threat of being shamed or criticized. Please, let's put an end to that stigma once and for all.
A favorite quote of mine: John wooden said, "Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."
What this quote says to me is that there is always something I can do in any situation, because I am always 100% responsible, 100% of the time for the outcomes in my life. And it's up to me to do what I can do. So, I asked myself continuously, how can I, and I do it, whatever it is. Whether you're learning from my podcast episodes, or live videos, or you're working with me directly, you're in my world, and I'm here to serve your needs. So be sure to reach out and get your needs met. It's up to you to take action so that things can change for the better for you. And they can only change for the better for you, if you change.
Make it a priority to join the Facebook group, Living Beyond ADHD so you can have a non- judgmental community to lean into, and put yourself on the Waitlist for the ADDventures in Achievement program that's opening up again in March, so that you receive the new email sequence that's already started going out, and educating people about executive function skills, and what lies in store for you.
If you enjoyed today's episode, or any of the other episodes, please share this podcast show with others. I would also be grateful if you'd rate the show and write a positive or inspiring review on iTunes, so I know that I'm meeting your needs. It means a lot to me to know that your life is getting a little bit better, every time we get together.
Be sure that you check out the show notes for the many, many opportunities available to you as well as ways that we can work together and stop your needless suffering, now. You'll find solutions to the challenges that you're experiencing. And I would love to help you realize a new freedom; that is, if that's of interest to you. Thanks for listening. Until the next time. Bye for now.
Resources referred to in this episode:
• Living Beyond ADHD Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/livinqbeyondadhd
• AIA Executive Function Foundational Skills Program & Waitlist: https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/AIA
• Free PDF - 13 Signs Weak Executive Functioning Is Holding You Back: https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/Executive-Function
Episode Resources:
- Put yourself on the informational list for the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills Program, so that you receive all the amazing emails we’ve written to both educate you about Executive Function skills as well as the details of the program; there is absolutely no obligation by being on the Information List. You’ll thank yourself for getting informed.
- Free Video and e-Book - Many Mental Health Providers & ADHD
- 13 EF Skills
- Join the amazing Living Beyond ADHD Facebook Group & hang out with your peeps
- Follow me on Dr B Facebook Page and enjoy live videos and more
- Follow me on Instagram and enjoy relevant resources
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